Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys: Year 4
by Hikaru Morinaga
Summary: The final installment in the series. Roy and Link, along with Marth, Ike, and the Twerp Quartet, try to survive the abnormal high school that is Melee Academy. Anything run by Tabuu has to be weird to begin with, but this school is anything but normal.
1. Chapter 1

**Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys**

**Year Four – The Final Year**

**-One-**

It was late summer, almost fall, which meant that the weather was, for the most part, cool with a slight breeze and a chance of rain, the way it was most of the time in Nintendo Land; there were a few days, however, where it was a hot, humid, sticky sort of day. In those times, because the Nintendo Gods seemed to conspire against The Manse (or perhaps it was because Master Hand was quite cheap), the air conditioning didn't work. Or if it did, by some miracle, work, then the air was never cool enough. There were a select few residents who came from cool or even cold, sometimes frigid, climates, and to them, this 'cool, but never cold enough' air was unacceptable.

Today, however, was not one of those 'hot and humid with a chance of thunderstorms' days they received every now and then. It felt more like early autumn than late summer.

Roy had only been back for a day and a half and he was barely unpacked. As a result, his luggage took up the computer chair and the floor next to the desk. Figuring he could unpack later, he went to the closet and grabbed his 'spring' uniform, which was basically the winter uniform with a shorts and no blazer option, threw it on, and shoved his personal effects into his bag.

"Hurry up, Link!" Roy yelled as he left his room and ran down the hall to the intricately decorated staircase. He didn't wait for a response and he wasn't expecting one to begin with. It was more of a warning that he should dawdle no longer.

Roy slid down the banister and landed gracefully at the bottom, as was expected of someone who was good with their footwork. The usual arguments and fighting were absent from the kitchen as he entered. Seated at the table already were Marth, who he gave a kiss on the cheek to as he went past; Zelda, who looked a little uncomfortable in the clothes she was wearing; and last but not least were three of the four Twerp Quartet members. Then there was Peach in the pantry searching for more pancake batter.

"Hey, Li—" Roy did a double take as he sat down and realized it was Young Link who was sitting at the table. Not that he would have been wrong to call him 'Link' because that was, after all, his name. "Little Link."

_Nice save_, Marth thought as he continued reading the paper.

Young Link looked up from his bowl of Cheerios and scowled. "Aren't I a little too _old_ now to be called that?"

Zelda giggled. "You're a little old for 'Young Link', even. But if we called you 'Link', it'd be hard to differentiate between you two."

Young Link sighed. "I'm doomed to be 'Young Link' forever at this rate."

Peach exited the pantry with a box of Biskwik in hand.

"Who wants pancakes?"

Young Link and Roy raised their hands.

"What about you, Zelda? What do you want?"

Zelda shrugged. "I think I'll be fine with my tea, thank you."

Peach clicked her tongue. "You should eat something for breakfast. It'll do good for the baby, you know."

Zelda sighed. "All right. I'll have some pancakes."

"What about you, Marth?"

Marth folded the paper up and left it by Mewtwo's chair.

"I'll just have coffee, Peach."

Peach shook her head. "You royals and your no eating breakfast policy."

_But you're a royal yourself, Peach_, Marth thought as Roy leaned against him sleepily.

"No wonder you're so thin, Marth," Peach continued. "You're practically starving yourself. Well. I won't let you leave this kitchen until you've had something to eat!"

"But—"

"No 'buts'!" Peach interrupted as she poured Biskwik onto the pancake grill.

Roy poked Marth in his side repeatedly.

"What?"

Roy snickered. "Peach's right – you are really skinny."

"That's what happens when you subsist on fish and potatoes."

The red head pouted. "I'm sorry you had to visit Pherae during Saint Elimine's feast week. We're not allowed to touch blood, see, and in order to get meat, you need to kill, and meat has blood and—"

"I've hunted before," Marth interrupted. "And it's fine. I have nothing against fish or anything, but… I don't think I've ever eaten as many potatoes as I had when we were in Pherae."

"What does anyone want in their pancakes?"

"Chocolate chips," Young Link said as he finished his cereal and went to retrieve a banana.

"I have a craving for fried bananas," Zelda murmured.

"Young Link, hand me a banana," Peach said as she sprinkled chocolate chips into half of the batter. Young Link gave her three instead, because he knew how Peach operated – she always wanted more than what she asked for.

"Roy?"

"What Young Link's having."

"Marth?"

"…Same."

Peach hummed to herself as she cooked.

"Anyway, Pherae has a lot of potatoes because we have a huge potato farm. It's run by some guy who was originally from Caelin—a marquess-state now apart of Ostia—and he also fought alongside my father twenty two or so years ago. So we get a good deal on them and so we have a lot of potatoes."

"Is that so?"

"Mmm."

"Well…" Marth played with his napkin. "Well at least you'll never have to worry about starving, right?"

Roy nodded. "True."

Peach plated all the pancakes and set them down in front of their respective person.

"Does anyone know if Link is up yet?" she asked as she looked at the clock. "It's getting late—almost seven."

"Knowing my older self," Young Link said as he cut into his pancakes using the side of his fork, "he's probably sleeping still."

Peach sighed as she wiped her hands on her apron. "Well, I have to get to work soon, so if he's not down soon, he's going to get no breakfast."

The back door opened and in stepped Ike and Lucas. Ike looked like he had just gotten out of the shower and Lucas looked like he just fell out of bed and left The Parthenon. They looked the way they did because they _did_ just step out of the shower and get out of bed, respectively.

"Mornin'," Ike said before he yawned. He even threw in a little wave at the end.

"Morning," everyone answered, though Young Link's sounded more like "Noogh roordng" than anything resembling English.

"Morning, Nessie," Lucas said as he sat on Ness's other side.

"Not you too, Lucas," Ness complained. "Dammit, Link, I will—"

Young Link shoved a roll into Ness's mouth to shut him up.

"Didn't take long for you to get knocked up, did it?" Ike said to Zelda as he sat down at the now crowded table. Zelda flushed.

"So, Marthy, you and Roy hitched yet?"

Marth hid his blush by pretending he was wiping syrup off his face; Roy merely ignored Ike's remark.

"No, we aren't."

Ike grinned impishly. "It's not like you have to wait a year or nothin', especially since Roy isn't a virgin—"

"Hey, Ike, did you forget there are children present?" Roy interrupted, gesturing to the Twerp Quartet.

Young Link choked on his pancakes. "Hey! Who're you callin' a child?"

Ness thumped him on the back. "I concur with that."

Young Link gave Ness a look. "I told you to stop reading the dictionary."

"Don't stifle me!"

"I'll show _you_ stifling!"

If life were an anime, all present would have 'sweatdropped'. However, since it wasn't an anime, they didn't do the aforementioned. Ike got up from the table to get himself a bowl of cereal; Lucas started on some last minute homework; Marth reread the newspaper; Roy was trying to feel Marth up; Zelda focused on her pancakes; and Young Link and Ness started a fight right there at the table.

"Hey! Who said you could eat one of my pancakes?!" Young Link shouted as he grabbed Ness's shirt.

"Me," Ness said with a smirk on his face.

"What are you guys, five?" Ike asked, mouth full of Cap'n Crunch.

"When will you guys hit puberty, anyway?" Roy added. "You both scream like girls."

The fighting suddenly died out. Young Link sheathed his Kokiri Sword and Ness put away his now broken baseball bat.

"Just remember that steel pwns wood," Young Link said as he sat down in his seat.

To an outsider, the exchange and subsequent fighting between Young Link and Ness would have sparked concern. However, since this was The Manse and everyone inside it had lived in it for four years now, this wasn't something new. Usually it happened between Ganondorf and Link or Bowser and Mario. Every now and then Sonic would come over and Mario would get into an altercation of sorts.

To them, this was all normal. For something to be considered 'normal', it would have to happen every day to the point of desensitization. By this point, unless someone ended up dead or severely injured, it wouldn't bother anyone in the least.

Welcome to The Manse, where life would be too violent to show in even the highest rated reality TV show. It would be too violent for Jerry Springer, even, and some of those people are batshit insane.

-x-

Roy played with his lighter as Link came down the stairs, shirt untucked, blazer wide open, shoes not even done so the laces were going this way and that. He sighed at his friend's disheveled appearance and gestured into the kitchen.

"You better get some breakfast before Peach lectures you on the importance of breakfast again."

Link ran in and quickly grabbed a slice of toast before running back out. At this point, Roy had the front door open and was trying to light a cigarette.

"You ready to go?" Roy said through the cigarette as the flame finally caught the end. He took a long drag from it afterwards. "Marth's been waiting for ten minutes already."

Link shoved the toast into his mouth – it wasn't that large a piece, really – and stumbled drunkenly out the door with Roy not far behind. They walked to the shiny car idling in the driveway, where Marth was drumming his fingers against the top of the steering wheel. Though Marth was a patient person – he had to be in order to be a prince, after all – he could not tolerate lateness of any sort. Roy got in the front seat of the Mercedes and Link scooted in the back next to Ike.

"You know the rule, Roy," Marth said at once as his fiancé opened the window. "No smoking in my car." He'd rather it smell like new car and overtly-strong pine scented car freshener than like an ashtray. Marth was also a health nut, the type who would probably plant a couple hundred trees so the air quality wouldn't suck, and the type to propose bills to limit cigarette smoking in public.

Roy took one last, quick drag from it before flicking it out onto the gravel that served as their driveway.

They drove in silence aside from the occasional _click click click_ the turn signal made when Marth would use it. Ike was gazing out the window and watching the leaves fall from the trees; Link was up against Ike, half-asleep; Roy was looking out the window and mentally saying goodbye to his summer; and Marth was busy glaring at the red light that had him stopped for ten minutes. After nearly having a head-on collision with someone who ended up in the wrong lane, and someone chasing after them for some imagined offence (something about telling the aliens they visited the wrong planet), they arrived (in one piece) in the school parking lot and Marth grabbed the last parking spot.

"Link, wake up," Ike murmured as he shook his boyfriend. Link stirred and did not look too happy at being shaken. Marth and Roy were already out of the car and on their way towards the school when Link and Ike managed to catch up.

"All right," Link said at the height of his yawn as he ran his hand through his hair.

Link felt a strange sensation once he entered the front doors. He wasn't sure how to describe it, really; he just suddenly felt…older, wiser. Roy, however, felt somewhat tired from the jetlag he experienced going from Pherae to Nintendo Land; Ike was bored out of his mind after an adventure in Crimea; and Marth sneezed and felt a cold coming on. There was an early autumn this year, and Marth was always known for getting sick at the first sign of cold.

"Fourth Year lists… Where would they be?" asked Link, who now felt like himself once again.

Roy shrugged as a group of First Years, frightened beyond belief, tried to find their homeroom roster.

"Somewhere on this floor, I'm guessing," Roy answered. "Let's go this way." He pointed down the hallway by guidance.

"Why there?" Link watched a group of First Years stare blankly at the door to the guidance suite before trying to figure out how to open it. One shrieked when the door suddenly slid open and Link snickered to himself.

Roy grabbed Link's arm and led him towards the direction he pointed to before. "Because it's less crowded."

So they meandered down the halls and were greeted by the "4th Years" sign under which was a giant list. There was already a crowd so they had to push their way through.

"Pherae… Pherae… Where is my name…?" Roy muttered as he looked down the list. He spotted Link's name instead of his and realized Link was looking at the wrong sheet of paper.

"Link, you're in room 306."

Link wrote it down on his hand. "Ooh, and it's right by the front door! How convenient."

Just when Roy was about to give up, he spotted his name. "I'm in room 306. We have the same homeroom again."

Link smiled. "We always do."

Roy sighed. "Our first year was a little weird with that. I think second semester started the whole 'we share a homeroom' thing."

Link shrugged. "I wonder if Schuldig'll be our homeroom teacher."

"Hopefully not," Roy answered as he fixed his tie. "Oh shit, I have the wrong tie on."

"…How can you have the wrong tie on?"

Roy gave him a look. "Uh, Link, we're Fourth Years. We wear a black tie, not one with red stripes."

"Well crap."

They left the crowd and decided to walk around for a bit to kill time. They would worry about their ties later.

"Do you know what class Ike's teaching?" Link asked as they went past a frantic group of sophomores.

"No clue. I don't think he even knows," Roy answered, just as one of the aforementioned sophomores screamed.

"Why do I _always_ have problems finding my name?" the boy, whose name was Link, asked.

Ness patted him on the shoulder. "There's a freshman with your name, too. Except he doesn't have a middle name or anything."

Link, who went by 'Young Link' to avoid any confusion, banged his head against the faux-brick wall.

"I bet Link doesn't have any problems," Young Link muttered as he looked for the third time already. Ness and Popo looked at each other and then back at Young Link. It was the first time Young Link had ever mentioned his older half by his actual name.

Roy shrugged in response to Link's look and they continued walking.

"What about Marth? What's he teaching?"

"I think they opened up a new section for Japanese, or at least split it between two teachers, so he could be teaching one of them if Mewtwo isn't."

"There's really that big of a demand for Japanese?"

"I guess."

"Probably a bunch of Narutards, anyway," Link muttered as he kicked a paper ball around.

They stopped by room 221 out of habit and saw Marth moving things around inside.

"They gave you the job?" Roy asked as he entered the room.

"Two, actually," Marth amended. "I teach this and Altean now, and they put you both in there as my… What's the right Common expression?"

"Guinea pigs?" Roy offered.

Marth nodded. "Yes, that. You're both my guinea pigs. It wasn't my idea, so if either of you have a problem with it, go yell at your counselors."

Roy shrugged. "I don't care either way, so…"

Marth gave Roy a playful nudge. "Four years of Japanese and one of Altean will look great on college applications." He emphasized the last part of the sentence.

"What about four years of Japanese, three of Hylian, and one of Altean?" Link asked from his spot in the doorway.

"I thought you weren't planning on going to college?" Roy said.

Link shrugged. "No sense in _not_ applying, right?"

"Why bother if you don't even really _care_?" Roy crossed his arms.

"Because everyone else is doing it, so might as well. Besides, I might be able to get in somewhere."

There was a lull in the conversation as Marth continued to unpack all his teacher things.

"You know, Marth, I just realized you have a really thick accent," Link said out of the blue.

Marth looked up from what he was doing once more, eyebrow raised.

"You're joking."

"Nah. I just noticed you say your 'r's weird. And you say 'Altean' as 'al-teh-ahn'."

"Link, what are you talking about?" Roy asked, confused. "Marth says 'al-tee-ehn'."

"He does not!"

"He does _too_."

"Nu-uh," Link argued.

"Uh-huh," Roy countered.

"Both of you, shut it," Marth interjected. "I'm sorry my accent gets in the way of you enjoying what I have to say, but for you to notice after _four years_ is a little more than strange."

"And one other thing," Link said, finger jabbing at the air in front of him in an accusative way.

"What?" Marth had resumed what he was doing by this time.

"You're kind of nasally normally."

Marth sighed. "Once again, I apologise for my accent ruining your enjoyment of life."

"I think it's sexy," Roy commented. "So your opinion is now null and void, Link."

"Besides, Ike has a stranger accent than I do," Marth stated. "So if you're knocking on accents, you should go poke fun at him too."

"Is your Japanese like that, Marthy?" Link asked, genuinely curious.

"Is my Japanese like _what_, Link?"

"Nasally. 'Cause there's an accent in Japanese that's nasally like you are. It's called _Tochigi-ben_."

"Dude, there's more to an accent than that," Roy said. "_Tochigi-ben_ has different words and grammar than Standard Japanese."

Link gave Roy a look that said 'since when were you such a geek?'

"Where'd you learn this?"

"Wikipedia," Roy answered. "Your favourite website, Linky."

"Hey, only Ike can call me 'Linky'."

Roy crossed his arms. "If that's the case, then why do you call Marth 'Marthy'? That's _my_ nickname for him."

"Touché."

There was a clicking sound, a cough, and then, "Will all students please report to their administrative stations?"

Link scowled at the intercom. "…I hope we don't have to report to Hell."

Marth took out his roll book and his class roster. "'Hell'?"

"He means Schuldig," Roy translated.

"I think I'd kill myself if I got Ganondorf for homeroom," Link said.

"Well, you're not going to find out just by standing here," Marth said.

"Are you kicking us out without _saying_ you're kicking us out?" Link asked as a bunch of Second Years filed in.

"Basically." He ignored the glare Link gave him. "Have a good day, Roy."

Roy gave Marth a quick kiss on the mouth and left with Link to room 306.

-x-

"Why, pray tell, do we have first period gym again?" Link asked as he and Roy made their way down to the first floor of the new building.

"I wish I could tell you," Roy answered. "Maybe to wake you up. You were falling asleep in Admin."

Link yawned as if to prove Roy's point. "That's because we have a normal teacher. Schuldig was a psycho and all, but at least he was _interesting_. All Mario does is talk about Peach and their not-yet-created child and how much he hates Bowser."

"And Mario can't read minds or control people."

"…Not yet," Link corrected. "One day the Nintendo Gods will bestow upon him the power to control the people, and he will use it to launch a crusade against Bowser and all his Koopa people. And then he'll control them and tell them to go kick Sonic's ass or something."

Roy looked at Link like he had six heads.

"What?"

"I think you need to cut down on the TV there."

They came to the gym entrance and saw a sign that said 'GYM CLOSED. REPORT TO AUDITORIUM'. Link nearly cried and Roy sighed exasperatedly.

"Come on, Link, let's go back to the third floor."

Instead of going all the way around, they cut through the third floor of the new building and then went down to the third floor of the old building. It was quicker this way, and they ended up next to the auditorium anyway.

"Why is it not that crowded?" Link asked as they walked to the front of the auditorium.

"Because it's Wednesday, so the underclassmen have lab."

They sat down where the department head told them to sit and they waited for Mr. Troy, whoever that was.

"Everyone for Mr. Troy, sit in the first three rows over here." Miss Judvskjda pointed to the area where Roy and Link were sitting.

Link nearly choked on his bottle of Lon Lon Milk when he saw his gym teacher enter from stage left.

"I-Ike?!"

Ike waved. "Mr. Troy to you, Link."

Link sighed. "School protocol sucks."

Ike laughed then as he got himself organized. He placed all of his stuff on the thirty thousand dollar concert piano and got out his class roster.

"Outside of class you can call me by my first if you want."

Link looked at his schedule and then smacked himself in the forehead.

"Duh, it says your name on my schedule!"

"So why are we here in the first place?" Roy asked in the hopes that he could have an intelligent discussion.

Ike sat on top of the piano then. "According to Tabuu, the gym is being remodeled, so for right now we're in here. We might end up using the stadium for everyone until it's done."

Link groaned. "But I'm sports-challenged! I can't do anything except like, archery and maybe volleyball…"

"We'd be doing all that either in the stadium or the arena at The Manse if there isn't enough room. There should be, though, but you never know."

"Besides, Link, we might even be able to do weight room or something instead of a sport," Roy said. "Then we won't have to worry about it."

Link toyed with his ID. "Yeah, maybe."

"Hey, don't you start panicking before we've been told how anything's gonna work," Ike said. "It's nothing to worry about anyway."

The department head, Miss Yridijda Judvskjda, was giving directions to the various teachers through a microphone so everyone could hear her. Not like they really could anyway since she had the mike too close to her mouth, so it all sounded muffled. Not only that, but she had a really thick accent that reminded most of a Russian accent.

"Teacher B is Mr. Valencio, up in the first row in the middle section; Mr. Troy is the first three rows right in front of the piano; Mr. Hedgehog is in the back of the same section…"

There were some last minute kids filing into the auditorium. Someone's walkie-talkie went off.

"Code 3-2-1," blared Snake, his voice staticky. "Redfield, Kennedy, come in."

"You _do_ realize there are _four_ of us, right?" replied a deeper voice. "I mean, do you mean me, Jilly, Claire, or Nick?"

"I can do it," Nicholas answered, for it was his walkie-talkie that went off in the first place. "Dad can patrol the auditorium—"

"Who is this 'Dad' person, Nick?" Snake asked. "We use real names here, not petnames!"

Nicholas sighed. "Right, sorry. Chris can patrol the third floor—"

"I'm already on the third floor," Claire interrupted. "I can do your patrol for you."

"Okay… Claire can patrol the auditorium while I clean the blood up off the floor. Requesting location."

There was a slight pause, then, "Right in front of Wesker's office."

There was a murmur amongst the students as Nicholas took his leave.

"Blood outside of Mr. Wesker's office?" cried one student whose name was Taylor. "Did someone get killed?"

No one would put it past Wesker to kill a student.

"No, little brother," Stephenie replied. "'S probably just a minor flesh wound."

This, however, did not reassure Taylor any. It left the First Year feeling even more frightened now.

Claire Redfield entered the auditorium to curious gazes before her radio went off again.

"Oh God, there's blood everywhere!"

The younger of the Redfield siblings turned the volume on her radio down before chuckling nervously.

_This school is not safe_, Taylor thought. _Not safe in the least. Why the hell did Dad send me here?_

-x-

"So how was your third period?" Roy asked as Link sat down in his usual seat in room 221.

"Boring as all heck. You?"

"More or less the same," Roy answered as he seated himself and prepared himself for class.

Stephenie walked into the room and sat in her usual seat too before looking around.

"I hope there's more people coming," she said.

Marth looked up when he heard her say that. "I think we're waiting on one more," he answered as he searched for a pen on his desk.

"So there's four people in our class?" she asked, and would have abruptly stood if the chair wasn't attached to the desk.

Marth nodded as Dean ran straight into the room, almost colliding with the fan in the process. The Altean looked on in amusement, for it reminded him of his junior year.

"Aww, we don't have Mewtwo this year?" Dean asked, disappointment in his voice.

"Mewtwo is teaching the First and Second years whereas I get to have the Third and Fourth years. It was easier this way. Plus, Mewtwo's LMOA disease is progressing more and more these days… If I recall correctly, this was the class that almost drove him to jumping off a cliff in a pokeball." Marth distinctly remembered that, too, because that happened his junior year as well.

Dean grumbled something and Marth sat down in his chair, exhausted from the events of today.

"So what are we doing today?" Dean asked, all because he was the only one who really gave a damn.

"Probably nothing," Marth replied. "It's the first day, after all. Did Mewtwo give you anything to do over the summer?"

Dean produced a half-finished kanji packet; Stephenie pulled out all four of them; Roy had everything done except some of the stroke orders; and Link had nothing done, which surprised no one.

"Are you collecting these, sensei?" asked Stephenie.

Marth shook his head. "No, you can keep them for study purposes. As long as you had them, I'll give you credit. Just relax for today." He stifled a yawn with his hand and slouched low in his chair.

"When are we getting our text—"

"Tomorrow," Marth answered, cutting Dean off.

"Rough night?" Link asked, eyeing his teacher and the red head next to him.

"My fiancé did not sleep well," Marth said, and left it at that.

"Where do we go after this?" Stephenie asked, not bothering to raise her hand. She was too busy watching Slayers Evolution-R on her Nintenpod Touch.

"Home," Marth answered. "You get to leave after this."

Stephenie looked very content with that answer.

"Where's Kweenetra?" Dean asked. He was full of questions today. "What happened to her?"

"Last I heard, she dropped out to take care of her baby. Her boyfriend graduated and got a job somewhere so he could support the three of them." Stephenie shrugged. "'S the last I heard."

"You know, I'm craving chicken for lunch," Link said.

"I think Peach has some left over from dinner last night," Roy stated. "I was thinking of having some myself."

The minutes ticked by slowly and Marth was ready to scream by the time the bell signaled the end. Marth only managed to hold it in because he knew that, if he _did_ scream, there would be a million fangirls the world over dying from the sexiness. Marth did not want a million fangirls' lives on his conscience. Besides, Marth was a dignified royal. He could control himself better than most people.

"You remember which locker is ours, right?" Roy asked as he rummaged through his bag.

Link nodded. "'Course."

Roy handed him the lock. "Go claim it before someone else does and then go find Ike. We'll wait here."

Link saluted and left the room with Dean and Stephenie.

"Did I really bother you last night?" Roy asked as he sat down on Marth's lap. Marth held Roy close as he leaned back in the chair.

"You were a little restless, but… That's to be expected."

Roy gave Marth a peck on the mouth. "I missed you."

Marth kissed him back, this time a little harder than Roy did. "I missed you too. Sorry I was in meetings most of the time we were in Altea."

Roy gave Marth another kiss, this time he held it longer. "That's okay. Your sister kept me company."

One small kiss turned into one deeper one, which turned into the chair almost falling backwards when Roy tried to pin Marth to it.

"Link and Ike need to hurry up," Marth said in between kisses. "Before I shove you up against the wall and have my way with you."

Roy pulled Marth out of the chair and pushed him up against the nearest wall before claiming his lips again. Marth grabbed hold of Roy's shoulders and flipped him over so that _Roy_ was against the wall. His hand moved down Roy's thigh and he took hold of his leg, pulling it up and around his waist.

"Do you think they'll be coming in the next ten minutes?" Roy said in between gasps.

"No," Marth answered, a smirk on his face. "But you will be."

Roy bit back a moan as Marth's hand stroked him, slow at first, but he gradually went faster and faster…

"You know, I never really thought Marth was the type to have sex in public," Ike commented as he sat in one of the hall monitor chairs.

Link shrugged as he listened to his Nintenpod Nano. "It's the quiet ones you always have to watch out for, you know."

Ike didn't say another word on the subject.

-x-

**Author's Notes:** So here it is, the final installment to the series! I'm sorry it took so long. Between school work and my extracurricular activities, I've been finding it hard to find time to type up the chapters and edit and such. But fear not, I do work on it as much as I possibly can. I can't abandon the story after coming this far, right?

So I hope you'll stick with me until the end of this fic. I mean, if you've made it this far with me, don't you want to see how it ends as well?

Feedback is welcome as always. I'll see you next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

**Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys**

**Year Four – The Final Year**

**-Two-**

The boisterous month known as September, the month of school beginnings and relationship endings, gave way to the sulky cool of October. Fall had come, bringing with it the somewhat depressive state all of nature seemed to fall into. The leaves were beginning to turn their pretty colours, starting from green and moving into yellows and deep, beautiful reds.

Marth was not a fan of the month of October. It was one of those 'transitional months', where it would be hot one minute and cold the next. It wouldn't even be a comfortable hot, either—it would be a sticky sort of heat, the type Marth didn't like. He could never get used to it, either, for in the summers, he would return to Altea, where it was cool all year round. It was also one of the dreary months where everything began to wither and die.

Currently it was cold out, just how Marth liked it, but with a rain that made the cool cling to their skin. Rain droplets tapped against the window panes, causing rivulets down the glass. Bored out of his mind, Marth had taken to watching the drops slide down the pane and meet their doom at the ledge as Roy flitted about the room half dressed. It wasn't until Roy caught Marth's attention that the prince saw he was only in his boxer-shorts.

"You know, I hate it when I lose things," Roy said, breaking the silence that had fallen over their bedroom. He was searching the entire room for his keys, which he usually never left the house without. Normally they were by his wallet, which was always on his nightstand. But today, they were not with his wallet. And Roy was the type that, if he didn't place something down himself, he wouldn't be able to find it.

"What did you lose _this_ time?" Marth asked, his voice implying this had happened many, many, _many_ times before.

Roy was searching the pockets of every pair of pants he had worn in the past week, hopeful he had left them in one of them.

"My keys."

"Oh." Back to the rain Marth went.

Roy found a ball of lint, three dollars in quarters, some girl's cell phone number, a pack of gum, and something of unidentifiable origin in his pockets, but no keys.

"Huh. That's weird. I could have _sworn_—"

"Maybe they're in the actual _laundry_?" Marth suggested, trying to be helpful.

Roy sighed. "Peach'll kill me then 'cause that'll mean the washer's busted."

Marth scanned the room and grabbed and threw Roy's uniform pants at him. "Did you check those?"

Roy barely caught them—he wasn't very coordinated in the early morning—and searched the pockets. Sure enough, there they were—his Nintendo keychain complete with three silver keys and a dog tag that said 'Roy E. Pherae' with his room and Smasher numbers underneath it.

"I wish I knew to check these first." He put them back into his pocket and quickly pulled his pants on.

Marth sat Roy on his lap and wrapped his arms around him. "As long as you know where they are, who cares?" And he nuzzled Roy's neck.

"Don't forget the cake tasting today," Roy reminded Marth, patting his cheek as he got up once more. He found his shirt and shrugged it on, buttoning it with no problems, and then grabbed for his tie on the headboard post.

Marth took a glance at the huge wall calendar and saw that it was the first Saturday of October. Cake tasting. It was even circled in red so neither of them would forget.

Marth had somehow almost forgotten that he was even getting _married_; he felt like he already was—at least, he felt like he was married to Roy already; he technically _was_ married, but to someone else. This slice of reality came knocking on his skull like a jackhammer to concrete.

"Oh geez, we're getting married in a few months."

Roy slipped on his low-tops and gave Marth a look. "December's not _that_ far away, you know." He slipped his arms around Marth's neck and gave him a peck on the mouth. "Especially since it's October third already."

"But there's so much to do still…"

Another peck on the mouth. "Don't worry too much. Zelda's helping, remember?"

And Roy kissed Marth in such a way that he temporarily forgot about his worries.

-x-

"Older Me," Young Link called as he made his bed this bright and cheery morning, if rain could be considered 'bright and cheery'. To some people, maybe, but to most of the Smashers, it spelled disaster. If one could hear past Link's snoring, you could hear birds chirping their lament towards the weather and miscellaneous noise from the people downstairs or outside, like Falco swearing at Wolf or Zelda yelling at Ganondorf for no reason at all.

"Hey, wake up." Still no response. "_Link_." Young Link walked over and beat him with a pillow. Most normal people would have awoken and would have promptly beat Young Link up, but Link wasn't classified by most as 'normal'. He stirred, but did not wake; instead, Link said something that was incoherent and simply rolled onto his stomach.

Young Link picked up his history binder from beside his bed and threw it at his older self; the binder collided with Link's head—

"_Link…" Zelda leaned in closer to his face, their hands clasped as she giggled. Her breath smelled like a mix between red velvet cake and red wine, and Link didn't even mind it so much._

"_Yes, Zelda?"_

"_I'm getting a divorce from Ganondorf, letting him take care of his bastard of a child, and then…" She smiled as she trailed off, as if what she just said was normal._

"_And what, Zel?"_

"_Let's run away together, Link."_

_Link blinked. "But I'm with Ike…"_

_Her grin became wider. "Bring him, too."_

_The world around them began to swirl into something resembling Trix two coloured yogurt that was thrown up all over the place, and Link then tripped over what appeared to be a binder…_

—and he shot out of bed and onto the floor, sheets tangled around his half-naked form.

"Ow," Link said as he rubbed his head and looked menacingly at the green coloured binder. "What the heck was _that_ for?" He looked around the room and saw his younger half smirking at him from the door way. That twerp could move fast if he wanted to.

"It's Saturday, Older Me. You know what _that_ means."

Link groaned as he untangled himself from his bed coverings. "School."

On the other side of the hall, Ness was slapping Popo awake with his yo-yo. The male Ice Climber instinctively hit Ness with his mallet, which led to a fight breaking out. Marth and Roy had just left their room when they heard the noise, and ran off to see what was going on, followed by Young Link and his barely dressed older self.

"Do you guys honestly want to go to school with a bloody nose and broken ribs?" Roy asked, poking his head into the room. Marth gave him a look.

Ness put his yo-yo in his pocket and walked out of the room without saying a word. Popo simply sucked the blood back into his nose, wiped at the battle wounds inflicted by that stupid red yo-yo, and ran after him.

"Popo can't go to school like _that_," Young Link mused. "They'd send him home for coming to class in his underwear."

-x-

Marth pulled the BMW into the parking lot at last and ordered everyone out after he found a good spot. Roy exited the vehicle and pulled out a cigarette from his pocket; he searched for his lighter by patting down all possible locations on his person, but it was all in vain, for it was nowhere to be found.

"Anyone got a light?" he asked. Link shook his head and began his walk to the campus; Marth came over with a lighter—Roy's lighter—and handed it to him.

"It was in the cup holder," Marth said before Roy could ask. "Now hurry up before we're late." He could be a real stickler when it came to being on time.

"Well aren't _you_ a cheery person this morning." Roy lit the cigarette and spent their walk across the parking lot smoking it.

"Considering Link almost caused three car accidents—"

"Four."

"Whatever. I'm going to be a little off in the morning. Plus it's a Saturday, and no one likes going in to school on a Saturday. But don't you worry; I'll be all…um… What's the word I'm looking for…?"

"Mellowed out?" Roy offered.

"Yes. Whatever that means."

"You'll be all calmed down," Roy defined. "Do they not use that term in Altea or something?"

Marth shook his head. "It's new to me."

There were quite a few groups of people in front of the parking lot gates, most of which were busy smoking either cigarettes or joints. There was a group by an abandoned house adjacent to the lot, where a boy was using his tie as a tourniquet of sorts; Roy didn't want to know what they were doing, but his guess was heroin or some form of crack. Marth merely clicked his tongue at their methods.

"Do they realize how _unsanitary_ that is?" Marth whispered, gesturing to a group chain smoking and another sharing a needle filled with a green sort of liquid.

"Do you realize they probably don't care?" Roy said through his cigarette, expelling the smoke from his nose.

Roy was about to cross the street, hands in his pockets, casual as all hell, when Marth grabbed him by the blazer and pulled him back to the sidewalk. A car came zooming out of nowhere and would have run him over had Marth not reacted quick enough. The cigarette nearly fell from his mouth.

"Woo! We own dis shit!" said the driver of the aforementioned vehicle. He hiccupped and threw a glass bong to the ground. Some sluttishly dressed boy around Young Link's age exited the car, walking drunkenly to the front walk of the school as the driver parallel parked badly.

"Since when was this a bad area, anyway?" Marth asked as they proceeded to cross the street.

Roy shrugged. "Probably since all the people from the other side of town started going here."

"Hey, you! Put some clothes on!" one of the campus officers shouted to the sluttishly dressed boy, whose name was Issak. It was tattooed on his arm, in the form of a "My name is…" name tag.

"Bite me," Issak replied, with a look to kill gracing his features.

The campus officer named Billy Coen spat on the ground and growled, the muscles in his arms bulging.

"I ate brats like you for breakfast back when I was in the Marines!"

"Calm down, Billy," Rebecca Chambers said, grabbing his arm. "Don't do something to get you the death penalty again."

Billy growled again as a certain cardboard box covered figure nearly flew down the front steps. It stopped right in front of Issak with the _this end up_ arrow facing down.

"Why did my parents bother to send me here again?" Issak blew a strand of black, purple, and blue streaked hair out of his face, his expression bored looking. "In a world where cardboard boxes are sentient beings…"

And then Snake took that moment to come pouncing out of the box, causing poor Issak to shriek like a five year old girl, thus ruining his 'badass slut' image forever. His boyfriend laughed so hard that he needed the support of his car door, but he was unbalanced anyway, so he would have needed the car door regardless.

"We have a Code Eff 42 Blue Green Yellow, over," Snake said into his radio as he grabbed Issak's wrist. "Can anyone read me, over?"

Billy rolled his eyes. "Y'know, I bet that code doesn't even exist."

"Hush, Billy," Rebecca warned. "Just go along with it."

"Who the hell even knows what that _means_?"

There was the sound of static and then an emphatic, "I can read you, over!" came through.

"Where's your current location, soldier?"

"The name's Nicholas," came the answer.

Issak tugged at his wrist, and Snake promptly twisted it. There was a crack and a cry of pain from the wannabe badass. More laughter came from his friends, and everyone just continued on like this sort of thing was, well, _normal_. And since this was Melee Academy, it probably was.

"Well, Chris—"

"Chris is my _dad_." Nicholas sounded rather impatient, as if he was mistaken for his father more than once that day.

Snake stared at the radio for a moment.

"I don't give a shit. Listen, I'm at T.F.W.W.B.T.T with some pro and I need him escorted to Wesker's office."

Just when Nicholas was about to answer the call, someone else cut into the line.

"I'll take it," came an officer by the name of Chris Redfield.

"But _dad_, I took this one _first_."

"Shut up and continue your patrol of the third floor." There was a momentary silence, then, "You said you're at the front walkway by the tree, over?"

"Yes," Snake muttered.

"I'll be right there then, over and out."

While this was all going on, Marth and Roy managed to continue on their way to the main entrance of the school building. Roy snuffed out the cigarette on his shoe sole and flicked it onto the walkway. They had just gotten to the door when Chris came bounding out the door and down the front steps. He seemed happy to be of service, though people often wondered if he really loved taking students to Wesker's office, or whether there was something _else_ going on. Maybe Wesker offered cookies to all who entered his private and rather spacious office.

Or maybe he threw them against the wall, interrogated them until they cried, injected them with some weird drug, and Chris got a front row seat to it all against his will. Who knew exactly what went on in there?

-x-

"Today we're going to look at a video detailing pollution in places like China," Lucario said, as his second period Environment Science class looked about as happy as a dying man.

"Isn't there something more exciting we could learn about?" cried one student.

"Where the hell is China?"

"I think I saw it in an anime once," someone else replied. "They wear funny looking clothes and they have seven warriors who have to protect some priestess chick."

No one questioned this, mostly because no one else had really heard of China, either, much less had visited or seen pictures. Lucario merely shook his head at his students' stupidity and cleared his throat.

"On your desks is a worksheet with questions on it. You are to answer them using complete sentences and ink."

"Where do we get the answers from?"

_Is this kid a moron or something?_ "You get them from watching the video clip," Lucario answered.

Link doodled on his paper as Lucario shut the lights off. He had no intention of watching the clip, nor did he really care about pollution in some place he had never heard of. Roy wasn't even paying much attention—he had a book hidden underneath his desk that he was reading instead. It wasn't that he didn't care or anything, he was just suffering from Senioritis in October. And the weather wasn't really encouraging productivity, either.

One kid in the back of the classroom, Travis, had his iNintendo blaring away to the point that people on the other side of the world could probably hear it. He drummed along to the beat on his desk, bopped his head to the music, and even sang some parts of the songs. His partner-in-crime, Jeff, was also listening to his iNintendo, but he was being much more obnoxious about it. In an attempt to drown out their antics, Lucario turned the volume on the video up, but he just couldn't win against seventeen year olds. Link got fed up and took out his Nintenpod so he wouldn't have to listen to the War Against Music.

"Stephenie, please come inside the classroom," Lucario said, nearing the doorway. Stephenie was currently in a deep and passionate make out session and should not have been disturbed unless the school was on fire (or her father was lurking the hall).

"Stephenie."

Stephenie finally broke the kiss and glared at her teacher. "And what're you gonna do, exactly? I have an 'A' in this class. Obviously I know what I'm doing."

"I can write you up for cutting class. Then you can explain to your parents why you were in Mr. Wesker's office for a suspension."

Stephenie snorted. "My mom is best friends with Wesker. He can't do shit to me."

"My dad's best friends with Wesker too," Nicholas chimed in, surprised at Stephenie's statement.

Stephenie gave him a look. "What are you talking about? Your dad and Wesker are like, archenemies. Wesker's out for your dad's blood and shit."

"I think it's because Wesker shoves my dad against a wall and demands he call him 'Captain'…"

Lucario promptly went to the other side of the room, as far away from the teenaged couple as possible.

"You know, you could've just said Wesker gave out free cookies and juice or something," Stephenie said. "The whole 'Captain' thing was a little overkill."

Puzzled, Nicholas went, "I was making the whole thing up?"

Stephenie blinked. "…That shit's not real, right?"

Neither said anything, because Stephenie realized right then that Nicholas wasn't making anything up.

-x-

Roy sighed as he sat down in his seat for English class. He didn't really care much for sitting through yet another session of _Beowulf_, which he thought was boring. Link didn't care, either, and usually fell asleep.

"This class is insane," whispered one student, who eyed Mr. Georgeston suspiciously. "The teacher belongs in a mental asylum."

Stephenie snorted.

"'S so funny, Kennedy?" the student whose name was Wesley asked, eyes narrowed.

"If you think Mr. Georgeston's insane, then you haven't ever taken German or had room 406 as your homeroom."

Wesley rolled his eyes. "I actually have that as my homeroom." Wesley was in a Third Year homeroom because he was a slacker all of last year, and therefore, did not have enough credits to be considered a candidate for graduation.

"And who's your teacher for it?"

Wesley crossed his arms. "The hell does this have to do with anything?"

"Because you think Georgeston is the most insane teacher, and I'm telling you that's a bunch of bullfuck," Stephenie argued.

Wesley grunted. "I have some guy whose name begins with an 'S'. I don't remember what it is and frankly, I don't _care_."

Mr. Georgeston called for the class's attention so he could get started with Grendel's mom and how Beowulf would end up kicking her ass like he did Grendel; sadly for him, he was ignored by a few students. He went on with the lesson, however, and managed to completely ignore random outbursts from the back of the room, where Stephenie and Wesley sat.

_Why did I have to be stuck with all the crazy people in my class?_ Roy thought as he tried to focus on Beowulf's journey. Sadly, his eyes simply glazed over whenever he attempted to read for more than a minute. It didn't help that Mr. Georgeston talked in a monotone, either.

_Why is it so damn noisy in here?_ Link thought as he tried to take a nap for forty five minutes. Link had good grades in the class, plus Mr. Georgeston had some weird obsession with the Hylian, so he let his behaviour slide.

"He pointed a gun at me and made one kid kill himself on a desk, and you don't think he's the most insane teacher in the school?!" Stephenie was beginning to question Wesley's sanity. "Are _you_ crazy?"

"Compared to teachers like Mr. Dragmire and Mr. Koopa, who are all bent on world domination? He's actually _sane_."

"You think a psychopathic telepath who can control people's minds is completely sane in comparison to Ganondorf and Bowser?"

"Children, could you please quiet down in the back?" Mr. Georgeston requested in a voice that sounded like a cross between Barney the dinosaur and Ronald McDonald. Stephenie felt a shiver creep up her spine.

"Yeah, _Stephen_. Shut the fuck up," Wesley sneered, running a hand through his perfectly crunchy locks. He used way too much hair gel and he didn't even notice he looked like a Ken doll reject.

Stephenie growled. "It's Stephen_ie_."

"I bet your father liked you better as a boy. At least you could hold a gun and be a man."

Stephenie looked murderous, her hazel eyes shooting daggers at him.

"If you like your balls, I suggest you shut the fuck up before I rip them off with my bare hands."

"Yeah, Wesley, shut the frig up for once," warned another student, whose name was Bane. "She's not the type of chick you wanna screw with."

Wesley snorted. "She's the type of girl you'd screw with, but in a different way." Oh wasn't he just so charming.

"Could you all just shut up so I can focus on Beowulf? Elimine be damned!"

Everyone looked at Roy then, who was on the verge of throwing his copy of the Old Anglo-Saxon legend at someone's—probably Wesley's—head.

"Well done, Mr. Pherae," Mr. Georgeston said, creepy undertones in his voice as he stroked Roy's back.

"The only teacher who can come onto me like that is Mr. Lowell, thank you," Roy said, gently pushing Mr. Georgeston's hand off his back. "And that's only because we're engaged."

Wesley coughed.

"Are you related to a Gary Martin Stu by any chance?" Stephenie asked. "You're just as annoying as him."

"Just because my name is Martin Wesley Stu, doesn't mean we're related."

"So then why are you called Wesley if your name is Martin?" Bane's curiosity was piqued.

"Because I hate people calling me Marty Stu." He was about to launch into a tragic and very angsty back story about how he was bullied as a child for being a huge asshole and how his parents never loved him because they realized some peculiar with their child…

"You think you're just so perfect and wonderful, so people call you Marty Stu, and you hate that, launch into angst about it, and then decide you wish to be called Wesley instead." Stephenie had it all figured out. "Then you'll find out you're related to Albert Wesker or something."

"Again, trying to read Beowulf here," Roy reminded everyone, subtly telling everyone to shut their mouths.

"Trying to take a nap here," Link chimed in. "I need my beauty sleep so I can stay sexy, you know."

A few minutes later, Stephenie let out a cry to the heavens, and Wesley smirked.

-x-

"Open your textbooks to page 277, class."

Kweenetra, who had recently reinstated herself into the high school, raised her hand as everyone else (except Link) took out their textbooks.

"Uhm, sensei?"

Marth looked up from his lesson plan. "Hai, Kweenetra-san?"

Kweenetra blinked as she tried to think of what she wanted to say in Japanese. This was Japanese 4 after all, despite her being a Third Year. She lost all of her Japanese during her 'break' somehow, probably because she didn't use it.

"Kyokasho ga arimasen."

Link raised his hand. "I second what she said!"

_At least Kweenetra has an excuse_, Marth thought as he went to the supplies closet to get one. _Link probably left his somewhere._

"Link-san, kyokasho wa doko desu ka."

Link shrugged. "I have no idea where it is."

Marth wanted to hit himself in the head with something. How could someone not keep track of their things?

"Anou… Kyokasho wa locker no naka de nokoshimashita ka." Marth knew students occasionally left books in their lockers. Usually under that huge stack of papers he knew they never cleaned out. He knew from experience what that was like.

"No." Then, in a mutter to Roy, "Whatever he said."

"He asked if you left it in your locker."

Marth sighed, defeated, as he handed Kweenetra her book.

"Just look on with Roy for now, all right?"

Link gave a thumbs up. Marth was beginning to think he failed Link as a teacher.

"Now, class. On page 277 you will find a heading that says 'Asking Questions About the Japanese Language'."

"Finally, something _useful_," Dean muttered to no one in particular.

"So if you ever have the opportunity to go to Japan, and you can't read something or you don't know a word, you'll be able to ask about it."

"Sensei, isn't that sort of… Well, self-explanatory? It's not that hard to come up with how to ask about something like…kanji." Then again, Stephenie was at a native speaker's level, so what was easy for her wasn't necessarily easy for anyone else.

Marth ignored her.

"When _I_ went to Japan," Dean began, "and I asked about things, people just said, in perfect English, 'I don't speak English.' Or, in perfect Japanese, 'I don't speak Japanese.'"

"That's because they were ignoring you," Marth said. "You were probably asking something stupid, anyway."

Dean frowned. "How is asking where the nearest restroom in an amusement park 'stupid'?"

"Because there are _signs_," Stephenie said.

"Yeah. In _kanji_."

"Like the kanji for _oterai_ is really that hard to learn."

Dean stood up and crossed the classroom to where Stephenie sat.

"Just because you're fluent, doesn't mean _I_ am."

Stephenie snorted. "We _learned_ the kanji for bathroom, Dean. We learned it in _Second Year Japanese_."

Dean went back to his seat, his anger deflated because he knew she was right.

Marth cleared his throat. "Can I continue with my lesson?"

Stephenie waved an okay and Dean said, "Yes."

"This is all leading to an activity where you write questions of your own and find someone who knows the answers, plus this will be on your test and it's practical knowledge. It doesn't hurt to refresh your memory if you already know it, either. So, who feels like reading the first one?"

Link's hand shot up faster than a speeding bullet.

"Hai, Link-san. Ichiban wo yondekudasai."

Link took Roy's book and peered closely at it for a moment before reading the single sentence he was given.

"Soomeemahsehn. Coreay wah dough kanji sheemahsoo ka. Toe—"

_If I listen to the whole thing, my ears will bleed and my head will explode._ "That's enough, Link. Roy-san, ichiban no kotae to niban wo yondekudasai."

"'Tou zai nan boku' is the first answer. Number two is 'Sumimasen. Kono kanji wa dou yomimasu ka'. And the answer is 'Asayuu'."

Link took a swig of Mountain Dew from a hidden hip flask he kept in his blazer pocket. The effect of the caffeine was beginning to lessen, and he couldn't let that happen. Dean quickly grew bored and so he started talking to Alex about ninja.

"Since we still have some time left, I can at least start us on the next disc of Immerse Yourself in Japanese."

Stephenie decided she could finally learn something. Maybe. Dean straightened up in his seat, Alex decided it was worth paying attention for once, and Frankie said nothing. Most people even forgot he was in the class to begin with. And Kweenetra was…Kweenetra.

Marth popped the DVD into the player, chose the 'play' option, and sat behind to contemplate what made him choose teaching as a career.

_I knew I should have gone to college instead_.

-x-

"Can you believe we have to write a story about a battle applying everything we learned about an epic?" Roy complained as he and Link were walking the deserted halls. They had to stay after school for the purposes of speaking to Mr. Georgeston about said assignment.

"Oh, it's not that bad."

"That's because you're gonna just dig up one of your freshman papers, change a few things, and hand it in," Roy replied grimly.

They arrived at Roy's locker, and he undid the lock so they could gather their things together.

"It's not like you have nothing to write _about_. You were in a war or ten."

"Just one," Roy corrected. "And I don't really like talking about it." He didn't like remembering the fact that his father's best friend ended up killed in the battle for Araphen. Despite the fact that it wasn't his fault and he was lucky he _was_ late—he could have had the same fate as Lord Hector, in fact—he still held tremendous guilt.

"Your father was in a war too, wasn't he? I'm sure he's told you stories. Use one of them." Link grabbed his things off the top shelf, which was still labeled 'Marth'.

"I don't feel comfortable using my father's experiences. My grandfather was killed in that war, too." He grabbed his coat, and Link shut the locker door and locked it.

"Roy, people die in wars. I was orphaned because of one. I have a reason to hate Ganondorf aside from the obligatory 'he's evil' and 'he's trying to kill me for the Triforce of Courage' thing."

They headed for the doors leading for the third floor.

"I know. But I still don't want to use my father's stories. I…I feel weird."

Link wrapped his arm around Roy's shoulder.

"That's because he used them as bedtime stories, so you're remembering a time when you were a kid, and…well, you don't have that now…"

"Yeah," Roy said, his voice meek. He still wasn't at the one hundred percent 'I've come to terms' stage yet.

"Have you ever told Marth about the stuff that went on with that thing with Bern?" He ushered Roy through the door before him since, after all, two people couldn't go through at a time without getting stuck.

"No. All he knows is that I was in a war. He doesn't know much about it."

"And why, pray tell, have you kept this stuff from him? He's your _fiancé_. He should know these things."

They went through the front doors. A cold blast of air greeted them, causing their eyes to water and their throats to burn.

"Because I'm sure Marth doesn't want to hear yet another story of love and tragedy and loss and bloodshed. He had two stories of his own, and they're worse than mine."

"You don't know that, though."

"Don't know what?"

"That Marth doesn't want to hear them. Who knows? He might be able to help you come to terms with a lot of things. He's older, so he has more experience and stuff."

Roy scoffed as they crossed the street to get to the parking lot. "You and Marth could relate a lot better than he and I could."

"Oh?"

"You and him were both orphaned in a war. My mother and father died of illness. They're not the same thing."

"No, they aren't," Link agreed. "But you and him both lost loved ones. That's enough to relate, isn't it?"

Roy stopped in the middle of the lot. Link stopped with him.

"What? Why the sudden stop?"

"You're acting way too serious, Link. I'm not sure I like it."

Link sighed. "One moment I'm too comical, another moment I'm too serious. There's no happy medium with you," he joked.

"I like you more as comic relief myself," Roy admitted. "But that's because when we first met, you were the one cracking jokes."

Link shrugged. "I'm your best friend, Roy. Aren't best friends supposed to stand by each other, support each other, and cheer each other up, etcetera? Isn't that what a friend does?"

Roy nodded. "I guess."

"Marth's your best friend too, you know. He's your fiancé, but he was your friend first. Sure, he can be a little aloof at times and not know how to respond to things in a more personalized, casual manner, but… He listens."

They started walking again, towards the end of the lot.

"And you don't have to bring everything out at one time. You can bring it out a little at a time, as you're ready to." Then, in a joking tone, Link continued, "Maybe we can open up a support group or something. I'm sure most of The Manse and The Parthenon would attend. Marth and Zelda would be the mediators because they're calm as hell most of the time. And it could be on Wednesdays."

"Why Wednesdays?"

Link shrugged. "Middle of the week? I dunno. Work with me here."

At last, they approached the end of the rather big parking lot. It was one of the few cars remaining—most of the faculty had left a while ago.

"Yo, Marth, unlock the doors, huh?"

The window rolled down and Marth leaned over the passenger seat to open the door.

"It was unlocked the whole time, you know," Marth said. "And you could have asked nicely, too."

Roy shrugged as he climbed into the front seat; Link said nothing and got in the back.

"So how was your day?" Marth asked as he pulled out of the lot and onto the street.

"Boring," Link said, fidgeting with his seatbelt. "I slept most of the time."

Marth glanced at Roy from the corner of his eye.

"Caffeine crash," Roy explained.

"I see. …Anything else new?"

"We have this stupid assignment for Japanese class," Link said. "I mean really, who the heck has us write a story about how the seasons are in our hometown?"

Marth looked in the rearview mirror. "Who teaches your Japanese class, Link? Maybe I could talk to him about you having to do work."

Link missed Marth's sarcasm. "Lowell-sensei teaches it—"

Then he realized what Marth was talking about. "_Oh_. Right. You're my Japanese teacher."

"Thank you for remembering, Link. I feel the love already. As for the assignment, I've never been to Hyrule, so I don't know what the seasons are like. I thought it would be interesting to do, that's all."

"There's nothing special about it," Link said. "Our spring is cool and calm, our summers hot and stormy, our fall chilly, and our winter freezing and filled with lots of snow."

"See, in Altea, it's varying degrees of 'cool', 'cold', and 'freezing' depending on the time of year."

Link still grumbled about the assignment.

"The interesting part of your assignment will be the Japanese aspect. I expect it to be written in Japanese this time, not in romanji."

"But I don't _know_ how to write in Japanese."

Another look in the rearview mirror, this one a glare.

"You are in Year Four of Japanese and you can't write it?"

"I didn't find it useful."

Marth almost crashed into the car in front of him.

"I think it's time you saw a tutor, Link. I'll have to arrange it." And Marth left it at that.

"There's this stupid English assignment we have to do," Link said, changing the subject.

"On?"

"Writing a battle scene that fits all the rules of an epic poem story thing."

"Shouldn't be too hard, considering you'll just use something you already wrote, edit a few things in it, maybe add another section, change the dates and the teacher's name, and hand it in."

Link sighed. "Roy said the same thing, just in fewer words."

_Speaking of Roy… Why is he so quiet?_ "Roy? Are you all right?"

Roy was staring out the car window. "I'm fine."

_If you think I buy that for a second, you're wrong._ "You're never this quiet."

"I'm tired."

Marth got the hint that Roy didn't want to elaborate on anything, so he left him alone.

"Well then, that English project of yours shouldn't be that difficult. You've had plenty of experience in battles. It shouldn't take too long to write something."

No one said anything as Marth pulled into the long, gravel filled driveway.

-x-

Marth stretched before slipping under the covers next to Roy, who was busy writing something—probably that English assignment.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Marth felt Roy's forehead, then his face. "You aren't acting like yourself. Did something happen today?"

Roy stopped writing and put the pen down. "I'm _fine_. Stop worrying so much."

Marth's brow furrowed. "Roy, I'm not stupid. We didn't meet just yesterday. Don't act as if I don't know you."

Roy threw his notebook and pen onto the floor by the bed, where the rest of his school things were.

"Couldn't be closer to the truth. You _don't_ know me."

Marth's eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about? I've known you for four years. You didn't start actually _talking_ to me until a few months into that first year, but… We've been together for two years. I think it would be safe for me to say I know how you act."

"But you don't know _everything_."

Marth said nothing for a while. He needed time to compose his thoughts.

"You don't know everything about me, either. Everyone needs to keep secrets, Roy. I don't need to know every last detail. We've been over this."

"You don't understand. I _want_ to talk to someone about this, but I…"

Marth's expression softened. "What do you wish to talk about? What do you wish I'd understand? Talk to me."

Roy couldn't make anything come out, however, and it frustrated him. He could talk to Link about this, but not to Marth? This wasn't making any sense.

"Roy…"

"I didn't want to say anything about this because it wasn't nearly as bad as what you went through."

Marth suddenly understood. "Roy, war is war, regardless of what happened during it. It isn't trivialized just because your experience is different from mine."

"I _know_ that. The problem is, it doesn't relate. You were orphaned, I was not. That's a huge difference. I didn't want to make out my experiences as so horrible when you lost your father to…to…"

"Gharnef."

"And then your kingdom was invaded, your sister kidnapped, your mother brutally murdered, and you were forced into exile. My experience was like a picnic in comparison!"

Marth fidgeted with the blanket. "This is what's bothering you? The fact that I had such a horrible life and you didn't?"

Roy slowly exhaled. "…Something like that."

"So you feel guilty about talking about your vastly different life experiences because of that?"

Roy nodded.

"You shouldn't. You and I… You and I were both involved in some horrible things. Granted mine were a little worse than most. I lost most of my family. I wanted nothing but revenge. You ended up in a war because of a treaty your father had to respect. You lost someone you deeply respected—someone who was practically family to you. Despite the fact that these things are different, they're still the same, because they're horrible and the result of a war. You shouldn't feel guilty."

"But—"

"But nothing." Marth's tone was severe. "Don't worry about it anymore. We both grew up into stronger people because of it. I turned out fine, you turned out fine…"

Roy leaned back against the headboard. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just assumed that—"

"Don't worry about it anymore, all right? I've told you before, and I will say it again—I love you. If there's anything you need to say, you can always come to me. I want to be the person you trust with everything. That's what a relationship is built on, isn't it? These are the types of things I _want_ to hear. I want to reassure you that everything is okay, and that things turned out all right."

Roy smiled, it was a small one, but a smile nonetheless. "…You're right."

"So no more guilty feelings. I don't mind talking about it anymore. It isn't like I can change it. You can't change what happened to you, either. I might not even know what it is, but it's still the same."

Roy lay down on the bed, fully under the covers now. He rested his head on Marth's lap.

"Marth…"

"What is it, love?" He ran his fingers through Roy's hair, petting him.

"…'Love'?"

Marth flushed slightly. "Is that not an acceptable term of endearment for you?"

Roy tried not to chuckle. "It's fine… I just wasn't expecting something like that from you."

"I'm trying, all right? You need to give me time to get used to this."

"Come lay next to me."

Marth slid further under the covers so Roy's head rested on his chest instead.

"I love you," Roy whispered before turning out the bedroom light.

"I love you too," Marth whispered back, and then kissed him softly on the mouth good night.

-x-

**Author's Notes:** Yes, I know, this has been a long time coming (since October 25th, in fact), but I ran into a rut with writing, so I just didn't have the drive to do _anything_. Part of it was because I had a 'wonderful' two month long depression, so that didn't help matters much. Then I got out of it and was faced with a rut as to how to continue this story. I decided to scrap what I had and start over, and it turned out to be better this way. Sorry it took so long for me to figure it all out.

I have chapter three (and part of four) done, but I think it'll need either some major editing or starting over. Hopefully it won't take another two months. It's currently some odd hour of the morning, I've just finished all my editing, and it'll be a brand new day once I actually get some sleep. I refused to until this was done, so consider that my motivation! That and I've left you all waiting long enough, hmm?

So stick around for the next chapter! I sense a plot twist coming up in the future...

_Jayden_


	3. Chapter 3

**Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys**

**Year Four – The Final Year**

**-Three-**

It was your typical October day—cool mornings followed by comfortable afternoons, with rays of sun peeking in between the clouds. There was a drizzle of rain splashing the turning leaves, wetting the soil for the dying greenery, and pissing off the people who were trying to keep their lawns nice and tidy. Master Hand was outside, supervising Fox and Falco as they raked the leaves. He wasn't really _supervising_ per se; he was preoccupied with a man in his seventies nicknamed "Old Man River". He was always outside raking the leaves, trimming the hedge, or watching the neighbours for unhealthy amounts of time.

Many of the Smashers were enjoying their day off by sleeping in later—Bowser was content in his bed, dreaming of conquering the Mushroom Kingdom once and for all; Ganondorf was lazing about The Manse after yet another argument with his wife. Zelda was in the library with Peach, swapping news stories and just gossiping as they always did.

"If he thinks he can just push you around, he has another thing coming," Peach said, fingers curled around the delicate handle of her teacup, saucer in her lap. "Samus and I won't hesitate to teach him a thing or two."

Over on the other side of the library sat Marth and Roy, propped up by many pillows on the worn, but extremely comfortable couch in the corner.

"Well, how about this one? There's a nice alcove of trees…" Roy looked up hopefully at Marth, who was examining the advertisement in the 'Weddings of Nintendo Land' magazine Roy picked up when they went to the store last. In it was a small little wedding chapel with a different selection of 'marrying locations', including the alcove Roy mentioned before.

"Yes, but we're getting married in _December_. The leaves will be gone by that time." Marth snuck a glance out library window. "The leaves will be gone by mid-November, even."

Roy pouted. "But I want an alcove of trees."

Marth patted Roy's hand as he rested the magazine in his lap. "That leaves us either getting married this month, or waiting until the spring for the leaves to come back."

Roy chewed his lip as he took the magazine back. "Maybe they're fake trees."

Marth sighed. "It was your idea to get married in December."

"Yeah, but that was before I saw this."

Marth rummaged through his Binder of Wedding Stuff, which he had to steal back from Zelda yesterday. There were already suggestions written in pink gel pen, and Marth had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. She was a huge help—he wasn't saying she wasn't—but sometimes he thought she was getting a little _too_ involved. After all, she had her own family to take care of…

"We'd have to do it on a day we're off," Marth said, opening the bulky binder. "That might be limited. Plus, we need a honeymoon…"

"For all intents and purposes, dear, we've had about ten honeymoons already." It wasn't like neither of them were virgins or anything, after all. "Besides, unless you're stealing me from my family and you plan on hiding us away for a week or two, there's really no point."

Marth smirked. "But what if I _am_ stealing you away?"

"You can't steal something twice, you know."

"We can do it on the…" Marth stared at the calendar. There were no other days off except one this week.

"Yes?"

Marth slammed the binder closed. It reverberated off the library walls. At the other end of the room, someone jumped from the sudden noise.

"We'd have to do it today."

Roy nearly had a heart attack. "L-Let's look at something else then."

Marth gave him a look. "You were so hellbent on the tree alcove place, and now you want something else?"

Roy returned his look with a glare. "I don't feel comfortable getting married _today_. I'm not that impulsive."

Marth sighed. "It'll be December soon enough, and you still won't feel comfortable."

"Would you feel better if I said I'd rather get married in June?" Roy challenged.

"You _still_ wouldn't be ready, Roy. I think you're skittish when it comes to commitment."

Roy nearly dropped the magazine. "What the hell are you talking about? Who broke up with _who_?"

"And who proposed to _who_?"

"It sounds like our 'perfect couple' is succumbing to the stress of a wedding," Peach mused, for she could hear Marth and Roy's argument from the other side of the library. Zelda sighed.

"Did I ever tell you that this sort of thing is normal for couples?"

Peach played with her teacup. "Their argument is more soul-searching, 'I'm trying to find out something about you and your reaction' than the arguing you and Ganon do." She then looked Zelda straight in the eye.

"I know, I know, you warned me."

Peach's look darkened. "I didn't warn you. I just said, 'I hope you know what you're getting into.' _Link_ was the one who warned you."

Link. The only one who had been there for her throughout the years.

"And you know what? I think he was right."

Peach patted Zelda's hand and gave her a look of reassurance as they tried to not listen in on Marth and Roy's 'lover's spat'.

"And who took you back and accepted your proposal, huh?"

"You did!"

"Yes," Roy answered, "I did!"

And then they stared into each other's eyes, losing the whole point of their argument.

Roy jumped from the couch, causing Marth to jump.

_You'd better not leave me, Roy, or I swear—_

"Marth…" Roy's tone was much softer this time. "Marth… Let's get married."

"Isn't that the point of getting engaged? I do believe I asked that already."

"I meant let's run off somewhere and elope."

"Isn't that what we were going to do anyway? That's what we planned for an entire year for, correct?"

_Marth, are you having a moment or something?_

"Let's run off _today_ and get married or eloped or whatever."

Marth crossed his arms. "I don't want you rushing this just because of a stupid spat. Sit down, think about this. We can look at other chapels—maybe ones with fake trees."

Roy smirked. "Getting cold feet, are we?"

Marth became the slightest bit flustered. "N-No! I am just saying that, as the voice of reason here, we should think this through more."

Roy's smirk turned into a mischievous grin. "Who has commitment issues _now_, King Marth of Altea?"

Marth grumbled under his breath.

"Yes? Something you'd like to say, Marthy?"

"You are so not cute right now."

Roy's grin became bigger. "I'm not trying to be cute, Marth."

"There's so much we have to discuss, like what to do with our respective kingdoms—"

"Regents. I'm sure you have someone on your advisory team you can trust to run the country."

"I do have a wife, you know. Sheeda can take care of the kingdom whilst I'm away."

Roy said nothing for a bit. "So who's taking care of Altea right now?"

"My sister," Marth answered, as if it were obvious.

Roy sat on the arm of the couch. "Any other doubts you have?"

"Last names."

"What does it matter, anyway? You don't use yours."

Marth choked on his spit. "Why are you assuming I'm changing mine?"

"Because I can't change mine."

"Why?"

Roy stopped and thought about this for a minute. "It wouldn't make sense to rule a marquess-state called Pherae—which has been in my father's family since forever, practically—if my name would be changed to something."

"So then we just won't change them, full stop."

"But wouldn't that be weird?"

Marth gave him a look. "…I don't think we have the same standards as, say, a man and woman getting married. We don't have to change our names."

"…Neither do they."

There was a pause in the conversation.

"That is true, too," Marth admitted, then sighed. "This takes too much thought. Are you sure you want to—"

Roy gave him a look.

"Positive?"

Roy changed his look slightly.

"Because you expressed the fact that you felt 'rushed' and 'uncomfortable' before, so—"

"Are _you_ ready?"

"Me?"

Roy slid off the arm of the couch and fell on the cushions instead.

"You're the only guy named Marth around here that I know of, so yeah, you."

Marth scoffed. "I've been ready since I proposed to you. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it."

"Then it's settled?"

Marth nodded.

"Okay then. Let's put up a notice or something."

Roy helped Marth up off the couch, and they left the library hand-in-hand.

Peach sighed wistfully. "They truly are adorable."

That sound of something shattering was Zelda's marriage being blown to smithereens.

-x-

"You're doing _what_ today?"

If Link hadn't been sitting on his beanbag chair, the one he dubbed The Gaming Chair of Awesome, he would have fallen on the floor. Considering he was only six inches above the floor, he wouldn't have been hurt much or fallen too far. The Wiimote fell from his hand and swayed from the wrist strap.

Roy stood in Link's doorway, hands on his hips.

"You heard me—it's impossible for Hylians to be deaf or hard of hearing."

Link cursed in his head. "Well, okay then. When did you decide this?"

"Half an hour ago."

Link saved his game progress and turned the Wii off so he could give Roy his full attention.

"Let me guess, you brought up the 'you have commitment issues' argument, didn't you."

Roy's confident composure cracked. "Yeah."

Link sighed and shook his head. "Are you even prepared for this?"

"Is anyone ever prepared for their wedding day?"

"Well, Zelda—"

"Zelda's a naturally calm person. Of course she'd be prepared."

"You weren't even at her wedding. She was a nervous wreck who tried to make it out like it was perfectly normal to marry your enemy."

"So anyway," Roy said, steering the subject back to before, "are you coming or not?"

Link grinned. "_Duh_. I'm not gonna miss my best friend's wedding, you idiot."

Roy mirrored his grin. "That's what I thought you'd say."

-x-

"I—What the hell am I _doing_?"

Zelda patted Marth on the shoulder after he hung up the phone.

"You're getting married, Marth."

Marth couldn't even find words.

"And you just called up that chapel place, set the reservations for the afternoon, and you were going to ask me to bake a cake and host the reception," Peach added.

Marth nearly had a heart attack. Zelda tried to steady his nerves.

"It's not that bad. Roy will come down the aisle; the ceremony will be what, ten minutes at the most? And you'll sign the license and be pronounced partners for life…"

"That just makes me more nervous, Zelda."

Peach served everyone some tea. "If you really aren't ready for this, tell him."

"I _am_ ready. I'm just—just… There's still so much to figure out and…"

"The stress is getting to you." Zelda nodded understandingly. "Everything will be fine. It will be you, Roy, me, Link, Peach, and…"

"No one else," Marth finished. "It's that private."

Peach had a task on her hands—bake a cake in four hours, along with all the catering. It was a challenge she was ready to grab by the horns and overcome.

"Leave all the food and preparations to me, Marth. You've got enough on your plate." And she giggled when she realized the pun she made.

_Isn't the bride supposed to only get cold feet?_ Marth thought. _Then again, there really is no 'bride'. Link tried that joke already._

-x-

"If I get one more email from anyone back home saying, 'Oh, Master Roy, you're too young to be getting into such a serious contract at such short notice!' I'm gonna throw something."

Link was busy doing his Japanese project on the bed as Roy checked his email.

"Maybe they have a point?"

Roy closed his email account and worked on a game of Minesweeper instead. Never mind the fact that he really should have been getting ready for his wedding in two hours.

"I'm almost eighteen. I think I know what I'm doing." In reality, Roy had absolutely no idea what he was doing, hence why he was playing Minesweeper when he had more important things to do.

Link turned to the back of his textbook to look up a word.

"Being almost an adult doesn't mean you _are_ one."

"So then what are you saying?"

Link sighed and put his Japanese project to the side. It could wait for later—or never, knowing Link.

"You're a senior in high school who's only been in one relationship in his entire life."

"I had a girlfriend before Marth, you know," Roy corrected.

"And you got engaged to that one person," Link continued, undeterred. "Now you're getting married after what, five months of engagement?"

Roy growled in frustration after losing yet another Minesweeper match. He clicked out of it and started a game of Bejeweled instead.

"Your point is?"

"I'm just saying that…well, you and Marth wanted to wait until at least the end of the year because of Christmas break and everything… Personally, I think a snow covered wedding is better than one under an alcove of trees."

Roy turned away from the computer, a look of guilt on his face.

"…I am rushing things."

"Why?"

Roy shrugged. "I don't know."

Link looked at the clock. In an hour and a half, Roy would begin his journey to the chapel located on the outskirts of town.

"It's not too late to tell Marth to postpone this, is it?"

"If I tell him that, we'll just get into an argument again over how I can never commit to anything."

"But you shouldn't get married for the wrong reasons, Roy."

Roy leaned back in the chair, fingers massaging his temples.

"I'm not gonna stand him up, if that's what you're gonna say next."

Link promptly shut his mouth and swallowed his suggestion.

-x-

"Do you have all the paperwork filled out, Mr. Lowell?"

Marth took out his copy of the 'underaged marriage contract' he was given by Master Hand several months ago.

"I have all of my things filled out. My fiancé has to fill in the rest. If he ever _gets here_." Marth was not only even more nervous, but he was worried Roy was going to leave him at the altar. He looked to Zelda for reassurance.

"I've tried calling him, but I haven't gotten an answer," Zelda said as she pressed a few buttons on her phone. "I'll try calling Link—he might know where Roy is."

_I swear if he stood me up, I will… Well, I don't know what I'll do, but I won't be happy in the least._

Just before Zelda could call Link, the Hero of Time came running through the doors in jeans and a t-shirt, a frantic look in his eyes.

Marth nearly had a heart attack when he saw Link was alone.

"Oh gods, he didn't show, did he?"

Link winced when Marth's voice cracked.

"Relax, Marth," Link said as he rushed down the aisle. "Your princess is in the castle. Well, actually, he's in the bathroom puking from nervousness. At least, I hope it's nervousness and he didn't suddenly become pregnant somehow—"

"He's here?" Zelda demanded.

"Yeah," Link answered coolly. "Although I must tell you, he almost didn't show. He was having second thoughts because this was all short notice and everything."

If there could be a disc scratching noise in the background, there would have been one. Instead, there was an uncomfortable silence.

"Roy's having second thoughts?"

Link nodded. "Well, Marth, you're the one who used the 'you have commitment issues' argument. He felt guilty so he decided to go along with this."

Zelda glared at Link. "You have a thing for crashing weddings or something, Link? First mine, now Marth and Roy's… Who's next on the list? Ike and Elincia?"

"I do not crash—" Link realized what Zelda just said. "Wait, what? Ike and Elincia?"

Everyone looked at Zelda then. She too realized what she just said.

"You didn't know?"

Link was clearly upset now. "Does it _look like I knew_?!"

"Obviously you didn't!" Zelda was not going to put up with Link shouting at her.

"Will you both calm down?" Marth interjected.

"Is that where Ike went? Back to Crimea? Why did no one tell me?"

"Because we knew you would be hurt if we told you Ike left you for someone else," Zelda said.

Link looked suspiciously at Marth. "'We'?"

Marth held his hands up defensively. "I had nothing to do with this."

"It was Ike and I," Zelda confessed.

Roy took that moment to come into the back yard of the main chapel area, where his alcove of trees was, clutching his head.

"Is this the Jerry Springer Show or the place I'm getting married at? 'Cause if this ain't the chapel, I need directions to it." He then examined the place. "Looks vaguely chapelish, though. …Is Jerry Springer doing a wedding special?"

"It's your wedding," Zelda said, shoving Link into a pew. She didn't want the special day ruined for the 'perfect' couple, despite the fact that it already was in Marth's opinion.

Roy scratched his head. "Y'sure? All the shouting made me want to go all 'Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!' just so I could be involved in something."

Link sprang from the pew and grabbed Roy.

"Whoa, Fairy Boy. I love you, but in a brotherly way!"

"Did you know?!"

Roy blinked and gazed into Link's crazed gaze.

"Know wha'?"

"About Ike!"

"Wha' abou' 'im?"

"Link, get off of him!" Zelda said. She would have pulled him off Roy with her magic, but since she was heavily pregnant, her magic was ineffective for the job.

Luckily Roy was able to slip out of Link's grasp and stumble away from him.

"Wha' th' hell is goin' on?" Roy looked to Marth for answers.

"I wish I knew," Marth answered.

Roy turned to Master Hand, who was the officiant for the ceremony.

"Can we go somewhere a little more…quieter?"

Behind them, Link and Zelda screaming at each other could be heard. If Master Hand had a face, he would have winced. Instead, his fingers twitched.

"You still want to go through with this?" Marth asked, skeptical about Roy's reason for getting married.

Roy nodded. "I had a _lot_ of time t'think in the bathroom while I was pukin', an' I decided tha' since we're here, we might as well go through with it."

_No one takes that long in the bathroom unless…_

"Roy, are you drunk?"

Roy giggled. "Na~h. I only had a few—nothin' to make me too impaired."

Marth blinked. "Roy, we can't get married if you're under the influence."

"Why? My vision and the buzz'll both clear up in like…ten minutes or somethin'. _Then_ we can get married."

"Why were you drinking in the first place? You know you can't handle it very well."

Roy blinked a few times. "'Cause. I got really, really nervous. So I had a few."

Marth gave Roy a scolding look.

"…At least I'm not nervous nomore."

Roy then stumbled off to a potted plant, where he promptly threw up again.

"I think it's safe to say that we won't be getting married today," Marth said. He was half-expecting the place to burst into flames.

_This turned out to be a disaster_.

-x-

**Author's Note:** Leave it to Link to ruin a wedding. Fortunately for Marth and Roy, they can try again at some other point without either of them teasing each other for not being able to handle commitment. I have to admit, this was a weird chapter to write since it sort of slipped into something out of a Jerry Springer episode, but since this is The Manse, nothing is ever normal. It's impossible. That's what makes it interesting.


	4. Chapter 4

**Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys**

**Year Four – The Final Year**

**-Four-**

"Hey, Roy."

"What, Link?"

The hallways of Melee Academy were mostly deserted, as they were becoming more and more. No one knew if it was because more and more students were withdrawing from higher education, or if it was because people were finding better places to meet, like the third floor, or the library, or maybe the cafeteria even.

Link and Roy were the only ones sitting in the stretch of hallway between the chorus room and the bend to get to the main stairwell, which was nice because then they weren't disturbing anyone—or being disturbed themselves. There were other people further down, towards the band and ceramics rooms, but not that many.

"Have you ever noticed that teachers tend to give more homework whenever a big holiday's coming up?"

"I think it's less the fact that teachers give more homework and more the fact that you never do yours until the last possible moment."

Link never thought of it that way. He stared at his science homework with a complete lack of excitement.

"So what's up with you and Ike?"

Link shrugged. "I have no idea, really. He just left me a note one day that said he couldn't handle a relationship right now, that he was so sorry, and then I think he went back to Crimea or wherever and…I don't know anything beyond that."

"That sucks."

"What about you and Marth? Have you finally settled on a wedding chapel?"

Roy shook his head. "Marth and I can't find one we like, unfortunately. Most of them are 'Vegas style', and they're just gaudy and wild looking, you know?"

Link had never been to Vegas, so he didn't know what their wedding chapels looked like. From the description, Link decided he never _wanted_ to see what they looked like.

"All he mentioned," Roy continued, "was that he didn't want one with an alcove of trees. Which is weird because I was going to tell him the same thing."

Link propped his homework against his knees and tried to find a way to bullshit through it.

"You're getting married next month and you still don't have a place to go yet?"

Roy sighed. "To be honest, I couldn't care less where we got married. The important part is the ceremony and the symbolism and stuff, not the place and time."

"So then why not just elope?" He decided to write about cantaloupes for his Environmental Science essay.

Roy shrugged. "Because he really doesn't want to get married in five minutes."

"So then just stall for ten and then it wouldn't be like getting eloped."

_Unfortunately, it just isn't that simple._ "He's used to all the extravagance and really? I don't want any of that. He doesn't want something cheap and I don't want something overly expensive and it seems everything's either really cheap or really expensive."

"Well… My advice is that The Manse has a nice yard… You can always get married there. Plus it looks nice in the winter, with snow all around. And I've been checking the forecasts and it says you're gonna have a White Wedding, except without the Billy Idol."

Roy just sighed. "If you're so full of advice, maybe you can give me a list of songs that would be good for a wedding."

Link abandoned his cantaloupes essay in favour of taking out his iNintendo, a piece of paper, and his lucky pen.

"Preferably something instrumental and with a lot of violins."

Link looked at Roy strangely.

"…Marth likes violins."

Link decided to not question it and went to his 'instrumentals' playlist.

-x-

"Spike the ball!"

"Set me up, dammit!"

"Since when was this competitive?" Link cried as he spiked the ball over the opponent's net. He nearly hit one of the guys on the other team right in the face. Instead, it hit the boy in the head, knocking him over. The ball bounced off the floor a few times before coming to a stop in one of the other team member's hands.

"Since the guys from the competitive side decided it wasn't good enough, so they had to come over to the side that couldn't care less about points," Roy said as two heavily muscled seniors from their side did some secret handshake.

Link wiped sweat from his brow as Falcon blew the whistle signaling the gym period had ended.

"Fuck yeah; we won two and a half games!"

The rest of Roy's team glared at the two macho men.

"Thanks for hogging the ball, you douchebags."

"Go back to the competitive side."

"Die in a fire."

"Stop staring at my ass!" Link slapped at the one boy, who had a fake tan and an equally fake dye job.

They headed for the locker rooms to change, Link aware of the eyes on his sweaty body. He decided it would be best to change in the shower area, where there was the most cover in the least amount of room. He made a beeline for Roy's locker, quickly undid the lock, and grabbed his stuff so he could hide from the stares. Little did he know he had a giant hole in his pants and everyone was wondering why someone who was almost nineteen had Spongebob Squarepants boxers.

Roy was lucky enough to not have a hole in his pants, so he had no one staring at him except for the remnants of Terry's brood. They had cornered him once, and when one was finally brave enough to try to make a move, Roy had run like hell and escaped without them realising it until five minutes later. Anyone else would have filed a sexual assault lawsuit against Remnants of Terry's Brood (as they called themselves now), but Roy was just…too nice at times. That and it wasn't worth it.

"Hey, Link, did you ever finish that homework for second period?"

Link came out with his hair undone, his shirt half buttoned, and his blazer slung over his shoulder.

"Uhm, I think so. Why?"

Roy shook his head. "No reason. I was just curious." Roy nearly tripped over his own pants and used the locker to steady himself.

Link sighed as he sat on the bench, buttoning his shirt as he waited.

"What's wrong?" Roy was pretty much dressed now. He sat down next to his friend so he could retie his shoes.

"Why is it that all of a sudden people are trying to get into my pants?"

Roy shrugged. "Probably because you're a nice looking guy and you're single again?"

Link took out his homework for Environmental Issues—his name for Environmental Science since there really wasn't much 'science in it—and stared at the questions he left blank, which was just about every one except the first and last questions. He even left his name blank, not because he didn't know what it was, but more because Link never put his name on _anything_.

Maybe that was the reason his teacher seemed to have all these homework assignments, but no one to give credit to.

They left the locker room in silence and met Falcon by the bleachers, where he took attendance and Falcon Kicked his book into the male gym teachers' office. It made a book shaped hole in the plate glass window.

-x-

Link stared blankly at his textbook, where very little was in English and most of it was in Altean. His head was beginning to ache and so he stole a sip from his Mountain Dew flask to stave off the inevitable caffeine crash. Roy tapped a pen against the book as he listened to Marth explain something to him and six other students. Were people really that interested in learning Altean, or were they just shoved in there because they needed the credits?

One student raised his hand.

"Yes, Michael?"

"I thought 'The cat sleeps on the roof,' was 'Die Katze schläft auf dem Dach.'"

Marth blinked a few times. "No, it isn't. Maybe it is in whatever language you're speaking, but not in Altean."

Michael looked confused. "This isn't German 2?"

"No, dumbass," said one kid, whose name was almost impossible to pronounce. "That's room 223, in case you couldn't read numbers."

"But it says room 221 on my schedule for German 2!"

"It's a typo then," said Ohfdghau, who was called "Ohfid" for short. "That's supposed to be 223."

Michael, who was really embarrassed, promptly left his seat and went on a very short journey to room 223, where his German teacher was hurling death threats at them. They could hear him down the hall saying, "Sie undankbare Schnorrer! Sie sind alle glücklich, dass ich davon verboten werde, Sie zu töten, oder Sie würden alle das tote Mann-Wandern sein." Since no one else in the school spoke German except for Mr. Tillermann, no one knew exactly what he was saying.

"Are there any _normal_ teachers in this god forsaken place we call an institution of knowledge?" asked another boy named Opii.

Marth was half-way through with writing something on the chalkboard when he heard Opii's comment.

"Plenty," was all the Altean said. "For the curious, this is how you say 'the cat sleeps on the roof', just as an example of how the grammar works."

Link wasn't sure which word meant 'cat' and what was the punctuation.

-x-

Roy took his place near the middle of the room, not too far back so as to be suspicious, but not in the front enough so that his every move could be monitored. Link sat next to him and made himself comfortable.

"So do you have a list of instrumentals yet?"

"Right here," Link said, passing it to his companion. "It's not a hundred percent complete, but it's good enough."

"'Meadows of Heaven'?"

Link shrugged at Roy's look. "It has lots of violins and a weddingish sound to it. I envisioned you walking down the aisle to it in a believable way, so I think it's good enough."

Roy wasn't in the mood to argue. Winter break was next week, which meant he had a week left to plan the rest of the wedding. They still hadn't found a place yet and Roy's search through every last wedding chapel and church magazine on the market ended in about twelve different 'maybes' because Marth couldn't just decide on _one_—he was afraid this was going to rest on a match of Rock Paper Scissors or a coin toss. Hell, he didn't even have what he was going to wear planned yet and there were very few tuxedo magazines. Mostly because the wedding market couldn't care less about the groom and it was all about the bride. And neither of them was going to wear a dress, so that point was made and subsequently shot down.

"So the best man has to match," Link said as Mr. Georgeston came waltzing in. "I only look good in earth tones, so don't pick something like…orange or red or something weird like white."

Roy took out his copy of _Beowulf_ and placed yet another magazine on top of it, this time one about wedding cakes.

"Just wear whatever you did for Zelda's wedding—I'm not gonna be picky about it."

Link gave him an are-you-serious look. "But that's _bad luck_ considering how their marriage is turning out. You don't want to end up like _that_, do you?"

Roy was on the verge of ripping his hair out. "One week just isn't enough time to finish this crap."

"That's why couples spend a year on it and not seven months."

"You're not helping me right now."

Mr. Georgeston went on about the senior thesis he was going to assign at the beginning of next semester.

"Well, what do you want me to do?"

Roy evaluated his mental To-Do list. "I have to buy the wedding rings, for one thing. For another, I need a tuxedo or something formal. And then I need to check out a wedding chapel or five or a hundred because Marth is just so non-committal about everything—" He looked to Link and saw him zoning in and out of the conversation.

"Sorry, I'm ranting again."

"That's okay, I'm used to people ranting away at me, except you're not pregnant and going on about how a hair was on the chair."

Roy didn't know what to say about that.

"I'll be glad when Zelda's had the baby because she is _driving me nuts_. Coming to me saying I was right and she was wrong and then sobbing all over the place. Her hormones are all over the place so now she's reduced to saying all this made-up stuff."

Mr. Georgeston handed out a packet of paper to each student with information and instructions on the thesis. Link nearly cried.

"Our grade is dependent on this?"

"Yes, Link," said Mr. Georgeston, who patted him on the shoulder. "So you'd better get started."

Roy tugged on his hair in an attempt to pull it out. "I so do not need this right now."

"I hate life," said one kid in the back.

Link flipped through the pages. "Fricken Middle Ages. There's a reason we're no longer in them."

Roy held his hand out. "Give me your flask."

Link looked surprised. "How did you—"

"Just give me the flask."

Link handed it over without another word. Roy took a swig and felt his heart beat just a little faster from the caffeine.

"The extra sugar in the Mountain Dew calms you down, doesn't it?" Link asked, taking his beverage back.

"Yeah," Roy answered. "I think the almost-heart attack makes everything better."

-x-

"So did you decide on anything yet?"

"I can't focus on that, I have a paper to do," Roy said in response to Zelda's question. "And my grade depends on it, so unless you want to write it for me…"

"Have you seen Marth?" Link asked, poking his head into the recreational room.

"He's out," Zelda said, rubbing her heavily pregnant belly as if reminding everyone of why she was so hormonal.

"Out where?"

"Looking at the extremely long list of wedding chapels," Roy said, taking notes on his research done thus far. "I told him to pick what one he wanted, so he had to go and physically check them out, make sure the bathrooms are really clean… That stuff." He looked up from his paper to gaze quizzically at Link. "Why?"

"No reason," Link said, crossing his arms. "I just had a question about the wedding."

"And what would that be?" Roy asked, wondering if Link forgot who Marth was marrying.

"I can't tell _you_—Marth said it was a surprise."

With that, Link walked out of the room.

"If it's a surprise, he shouldn't have mentioned anything in the first place."

Roy simply sighed and went back to his research when suddenly the front door swung open and hit the adjacent wall.

"I found it!" Marth shouted, running into the recreational room.

"Your marbles?" Roy asked.

Marth frowned. "No, I found those a long time ago. I found the _perfect place_." With that, he grabbed Roy's hand, pulled him from the floor, and dragged him outside to his car where he hurriedly shoved Roy inside, got in himself, and nearly ran over Young Link and Ness playing ball outside, he was so excited.

Zelda simply shook her head. _Ah, love_. _It makes you go crazy._

-x-

**Author's Note:** It's been almost what, six months since I last had an update? In those six months a lot happened. I temporarily left all of my fandoms for a new one by the name of Weiss Kreuz, an d it's still my love of the moment. But I got a review recently for this fic and I remembered it existed, so I reread it and decided to open up chapter four and finish it. So here it is, chapter four. I can't promise I won't go another six months before I update again, but we all get busy sometimes, right?

See you next chapter!

_Jayden_


	5. Chapter 5

**Melee**** Academy**** of Higher Learning for Boys**

**Year Four – The Final Year**

**-Five-**

November flitted past, taking with it the leaves on the trees and the warm air, leaving a space for December to come waltzing in, turning things cold and icy as it entered. Snow was not uncommon, nor was hail or the occasional snow storm with hail and sleet. Master Hand, cheap sentient hand that he was, decided to try and save some money by installing space heaters in every room so he could save on the gas bill instead of switching to something cheaper, like propane. This was a good idea for all of three days, for on the third day, Falcon's burst into a fiery ball of sparks and burning spandex. All that remained was a charred mess on the carpet by his closet.

Master Hand decided grates to prevent clothes from combusting was a good idea, because they were cheaper than switching from natural gas to propane, and no one died yet. 'Yet' being the keyword. After two more days, the electric bill arrived (for everything was very quick and efficient in Nintendo Land), and Master Hand got rid of the heaters, called the propane company, and switched their gas to propane so he would save up to a hundred dollars every two weeks. He also rigged the thermostats so they would never go above sixty-four degrees, just warm enough so the pipes wouldn't freeze.

The eve of Marth and Roy's wedding came faster than Superman on crack, and before anyone knew it, December twenty-third arrived, leaving Link in a very distraught mess.

"Peach? Zelda? _Someone_?" he called, panic in his voice as he raced down the stairs, still in pajama bottoms and a green Triforce sleeveless tee. He looked like he had just woken up, and since this was Link, he probably just _did_ wake up.

"Anyone _except_ Marth and Roy?" he added once he saw Marth headed in his direction. Marth was actually headed towards the kitchen, not Link. He opened the kitchen door, saw a plume of sugar and flour burst forth, and quickly closed the door. Wiping sweet white powder from his eyes, he brushed himself off and brushed past Link. He needed another shower now.

Zelda heard Link's pleas for help and came out of the kitchen, hair pulled into a loose bun as flour caked her arms, part of her face, and the front of her apron, wooden spoon in her hand like a weapon. She closed the door behind her so no one could see the warzone inside, leaving a white handprint on the knob.

"What's wrong, Link?"

Link reached the bottom of the stairs and gave her a once over.

"I'm Peach's assistant," Zelda said, explaining her odd appearance.

"Oh," Link said, sounding more like _well that explains everything_. Which begged for the question, _what exactly are you guys doing in there?_ to be asked.

"What was your problem?" She knew how easily distracted Link could be sometimes, especially when he was in a rush.

"Today's the twenty-third," Link said, stating the obvious as there was a calendar—a huge calendar no less—right outside the kitchen, on the bulletin board.

Zelda snuck a glance at the calendar. "Yes, it is."

"The wedding's tomorrow." It was written on the aforementioned calendar, on December the twenty-fourth, 'Marth and Roy's Wedding'. In capitals, so no one would miss it. It was also neon green, which hurt many a Smashers' eyes if they stared at it for too long.

Zelda sighed as she crossed her arms. "Okay, Captain Obvious, what's the problem?"

Link took a big breath and slowly let it out. "I, uh, kinda need some assistance."

_As if that weren't obvious_, Zelda thought. "Spill it, Link, I don't have all day."

"I need help with the bachelor parties."

Zelda resisted the urge to go back into the kitchen. Instead, she said, "I don't know anything about bachelor parties, Link. Ask Falcon or Ike or Ganon." Link winced at the last name, but said nothing.

"Or, you know, you could ask the grooms themselves what they want. It's not against the rules or anything. In fact, a lot of grooms-to-be throw their _own_ parties."

Link shook his head. "Oh no, I can't do _that_."

"Well…why not?"

Link deadpanned. "_Because_ it's a surprise."

Zelda went back into the kitchen, mumbling something about, "Oh, I think I heard Peach calling for me, I must go, please excuse me, these cakes don't make themselves you know, I'm not one of the Fairy Godmothers from Sleeping Beauty…" She knew full well what happened when Link tried to throw anything with 'surprise' in the title. The outcome of such an adventure was never good.

Link flailed like a Magikarp for a second or two after she left him. He did a perfect impression of one, in fact, though no one was around to witness it. Then the proverbial lightbulb went off over his head.

"I bet Ike'll know."

He cut through the kitchen, dodging flour clouds and Pikachu, who got caught in the whole thing accidentally on his way for some ketchup, and scaled the fence that separated The Manse's yard from The Parthenon's. Never mind the fact that there was a giant hole in the fence large enough for him to fit through. Link always had to make things complicated.

-x-

The Parthenon was nearly empty of any activity—most of the inhabitants were either training or sleeping in their beds still. Except for Lucas, who was asleep on the couch with the television remote still clutched in his hand. Link referenced the map on the bulletin board and used the not-so-secret entrance to the training grounds. He hid behind a tree Mission Impossible-style and watched the lone occupant of today's grounds. Ike, sword held high above his head, jumped from the platform he was on, twirled in the air, and came down hard on the poor wireframe, since there could only be one Sandbag and The Manse had a contractual deal with him.

Link jumped out from behind the tree and shrieked when the wireframe hid behind him.

"You can run, but you can't—Link?"

"You know, I didn't know you could make my name a verb," Link said as Ike stopped in front of him. The wireframe, whose name was Fred, breathed a sigh of relief. Ike turned the radio off and the battle theme medley from Golden Sun stopped midway.

"Tabuu said it provided atmosphere to the stages," Ike said when he saw Link's blank stare.

"Yeah, but when I train, I listen to the radio and not the music MH uses for the battle stages."

"I assume you're here for a reason other than to interrupt my daily training session."

So Link told him the reason why he was here, complete with a lot of hand gestures.

"So you want _me_ to help with your bachelor party surprise thing?" Ike said, wanting to get the gist of Link's story straight. He stuck Ragnell in the dirt of the training facility and leaned on the hilt, really facing Link for the first time since, well, the poor Hero of Time found out that Ike was now with another guy. Since Link didn't hold a grudge against anyone unless their name was Ganondorf or any abbreviation thereof, he didn't care what was going on with Ike's personal life. He just wished Ike had told him directly instead of in a stupid note left on his nightstand.

"Basically yeah, that's what I asked you."

Ike raked a hand through his sweat-soaked hair. "I don't know the first thing about bachelor parties, Link. Hell, I don't even know if Tellius has them." He saw Link's expression fall and he smiled. "But don't worry, I'll help as best as I can."

Link's face brightened. "Thank you so much, Ike!" He embraced his fellow swordsman and then added, "Tell Pit and Red that I'm recruiting them too. We're not going at this alone here."

Link bounced off to The Manse, where he had to get all his supplies in order and make a list of things he didn't have, but needed. Ike watched him go, shook his head, and headed for inside to tell the 'recruits' what was going on.

"What about me?" Fred the wireframe asked. He received no answer.

"Now I know how Sandbag feels."

-x-

It was flurrying outside as two men carried a bunch of lumber into the yard. A stereo blasting rock music in a not recognisable language was also brought in by the head worker's son, less for dramatic effect and more because music made the time go faster. Roy and Marth were wearing fur-lined cloaks, snow sticking to their hair as they 'supervised' and envisioned what their wedding would look like exactly. Young Link threw a snowball at a tree in the neighbour's yard for lack of anything better to do with his time.

"So the colour scheme is blue you said?" Roy asked, going over the list of things for the wedding, things they should have probably gone over months ago. He and Marth were supervising the building of the gazebo in The Manse's yard, right by the rose bushes (which were fake because Master Hand said real roses were too expensive). Underneath a tree sitting on one of the picnic table benches was Nana, threading together a 'vine' of Altean Lilies Roy special ordered (because they were Marth's favourite flower).

"Yes," Marth replied, pulling his cloak tighter around his neck and shoulders.

"And the wedding march is… …Enya?"

Both Marth and Roy peered closer at the list.

"Who picked _that_?" Marth asked, knowing that Roy wouldn't have picked such a thing. He didn't even know who Enya _was_. "I thought we agreed to _Canon in D minor_?"

"I thought we transposed it to A minor though."

"No, I'm pretty sure we agreed to D minor."

And then it dawned on them.

"Link," they both said at the same time. This was the last time Roy was putting Link in charge of music. Then again he said that every time he put Link in charge of music.

Somewhere inside The Manse, where Link, Ike, Pit, Red, and Pikachu were discussing the bachelor party plans, Link sneezed.

"If you're getting a cold…" Ike warned, "I won't sleep with you ever again."

"Oh, that's okay," Link said. "You don't sleep with me anyway. You sleep with some girl named—"

"Okay, let's clear the air here, all right? When I went back to Crimea and spent time with my mercenary group and attended my sister's wedding, I got a little drunk, said something I shouldn't have, and ended up waking up with someone I thought was a girl."

"So then who was it?" Red asked. He was interested in this sort of thing.

"It was my tactician." Ike said it as if everyone knew who his tactician was.

"But that's not what you said in your note!" Link cried.

"What note?" Ike didn't remember leaving a note.

"The note you left on my nightstand."

"I didn't leave you a note on your nightstand. I left it on your other pillow. It said, 'Link, I'm going to be gone for a few days, don't think I disappeared off the face of the planet. Love you, Ike.'"

"But it wasn't written in English! You wrote it in _Crimean_, and when I took it to Zelda—who knows like, every single language ever—she said you were leaving me for a girl!"

Ike felt like banging his head into the brick wall.

"In any case," Red said, "Ike left a note, you had it mistranslated, can you two just kiss and make up so we can talk about what we _came here for_?"

Ike snorted. "I'm not kissing him in front of you. You'll just take pictures and write home to your mom saying, 'Dear Mom, Let me show you the insanity I have to deal with every day. Enclosed are pictures. Love, Red.'"

Red blinked thrice in succession. "I don't do that! That's Lucas who does _that_. I just write to my mom about the insanity, not take pictures."

"We'll turn around if that makes you feel more secure," Pit said.

Ike sighed, shook his head, and gave Link an innocent peck on the mouth.

"Okay, now for the bachelor party, I suggest we…"

-x-

"…Heavy snowfall is to be expected tonight through the day after Gift-giving Day," said the meteorologist on the television covered with cake mix, frosting, and flour to the point where the image could barely be seen.

"I wonder if that will affect the wedding…" Peach pondered aloud as she flipped through her handy dandy cookbook, passed down through the generations of the Toadstool Royal Family.

"They say it's a good sign if it snows on your wedding," Zelda said, kneading some dough.

Peach sighed. "Well a little good luck omen on the day of their wedding is probably the best thing that could happen. It definitely wasn't snowing on yours and you could have _used_ it."

"Yes," Zelda agreed. "It was storming on mine, which is the worst thing next to it hailing and there being tornadoes."

Peach cracked another egg as Zelda rubbed her stomach, praying she wouldn't give birth in the kitchen. Pichu was making snow angels in the flour on the floor when she sensed something, like a disturbance in the Force. She bounded for the door, slipping through the doggie-door Link installed last summer, and towards the training area, spewing flour everywhere. (Master Hand would not be pleased to see the flour all over the new drapes.)

On the door to the stage selection room was a sign, and scribbled on it in barely legible handwriting was KEP OWT, SEKRIT METING INSYDE. (Link was not known for his awesome English skills and refused to use a dictionary.) Since Pichu was a Pokémon and couldn't read, she ignored it. Instead, she went through the doggie door (which had nothing keeping it closed in case of a fire) and found the 'sekrit meting' Link scrawled on the door sign.

"Pichu!" the pre-evolved form of Pikachu cried, jumping onto Link's lap, causing the Hero of Time to fall backwards off his crate. "Pichu! Pi pi chu!"

"Ness fell down the well again?" Link guessed, not understanding what the frantic Pokémon was trying to say.

"That's the fourth time this week," Ike said. "Someone's been playing too much Sims 2. Everyone knows you can't get your first kiss from a well."

Pichu jumped up and down on Link's lap.

"You know, it's times like these when I wish I was good at Charades," Link lamented.

Pichu bounced from lap to lap until he got to Red. Surely the Pokémon Master himself could understand him.

"Pichu! Pi pi chu! _Pichu chu pi_!"

Red's eyes widened. "Guys! Pichu said Zelda's going into labour!"

Link fell off his crate once more, this time he didn't get back up.

"Well crap," Ike said, staring at a fainted Link.

"I'm not dragging his butt back into The Manse," Pit said. "Not after last time."

Red grinned sheepishly as Pichu scurried off his lap. "Link's too heavy for me."

Ike let out an aggravated sigh. "Pit, you startled him the last time and Red, what the hell? He's only a hundred and thirty pounds when _wet_." He gathered Link into his arms as his partners-in-crime went through the now open door.

"Wimps," Ike said before following them through the door.

-x-

"And then we'll have a buffet table set up over here," Roy said, gesturing to the shaded area under the tree, where Nana was still sitting.

"We're eating outside in the snow?" Marth asked, not sure if that was a good idea.

"There isn't anywhere _big enough_ in The Manse."

"What are you talking about? There's a dining room that can seat up to sixty people comfortably. Why have them freeze to death when they can just eat there?" He gave Roy a look. "Unless that's what you're trying to do, kill all of our guests."

Roy sighed. "All right, fine, we'll eat inside. But that means the dining room will have to be completely rearranged."

Marth watched as the construction crew completed the gazebo. It wasn't that hard to put together—it came from Ikea, after all.

"Peach and Zelda can deal with that since they're in charge of the food. We don't want to arrange it in a way that makes it difficult for them."

Suddenly, the snow picked up, giving Young Link more ammunition for his 'game'. The gazebo deliverers high-tailed it out of there, for they were dressed in short sleeved shirts and overalls with paint smears down the front, and this was not an ideal environment for them.

"Marth, we made it a little hard for them anyway because we're using our native cuisine."

Marth sat on one of the boulders surrounding the pond. "You can't mess up Altean cuisine. It's venison, beef, various birds, poultry, rice, fish, and roasted potatoes."

"Yeah, but there's some strange sauces and—"

"It's sesame sauce," Marth interjected. "If I could cook, I would make it myself." The last time Marth tried to cook anything, he almost set the kitchen on fire. Using a microwave, no less. Since then, Peach forbid him from so much as reheating anything.

Roy sighed. There was no use arguing.

"Do you have the seating order all written up?" Marth asked, changing the subject. Talk of food was making him hungry.

Roy ripped the paper off his clipboard. "Right here."

Marth squinted at it; he forgot his reading glasses inside. "Is this the final copy?"

Roy nodded.

"All right then. Young Link!"

Young Link stopped hurling snowballs over the fence and strode over to where Marth and Roy were.

"Yes, my prince?" Young Link said sarcastically.

"King," Marth corrected absent-mindedly, as if people made that mistake often. "Run this over to Ness so he can type up the place cards."

Young Link saluted, took the paper from Marth, and ran back inside, where he was confronted by a scene out of _The Young and the Restless_. Sidestepping the mess and Zelda on the floor, he slid out into the hallway (Master Hand would not be happy about the flour on the just-cleaned marble flooring), where he took the stairs two at a time to the boys' dormitories.

"Nessie!" Young Link called as he kicked the door open. Ness closed out of a video window and made like he was doing his forgotten English paper.

"Young Link, don't you ever knock?"

Young Link made his way into the room. "For the nth time, Nessie—Kokiri Forest doesn't _have_—"

"What do you want?"

Young Link handed the yellow legal paper to his friend.

"What, Marth can't do his own errands now? I swear—"

"Nessie, what's up with you?"

Ness placed the paper on his desk and opened up Publisher.

"It's nothing."

Young Link leaned against the desk. "Are you having male PMS?"

"I—what?" He looked at Young Link like he was nuts.

"Anyway," Young Link continued, ignoring the awkward moment they just shared, "Marth can't 'do his own errands' because he's busy making sure no one blows up his wedding and everything goes smoothly. I'm sure if he could've, he would've brought them to you himself."

Young Link left then, leaving Ness alone once more. Ness opened the video window again and nearly had a heart attack from the new Nintendo 3DS. It wasn't even a real video, but a slideshow put up on Youtube that had pictures of a DSi scribbled on in MS Paint.

-x-

Link was rummaging through the pile underneath his bed, looking for one item in particular. Of course, after pulling everything else out, it was the last thing under there, because it was always said that the missing item was always the last place you looked. Link emerged victorious with a battered phone book and flopped down on his bed. Young Link was sitting at the foot of Link's mattress, paying more attention to the mess on the floor than he was to his older self. To think that so much could fit underneath such a small space…

"Do you think bachelor party entertainment would be listed in the yellow pages?" Link asked, opening it to some random page.

"Unless there's some innuendo I'm missing, I don't think you'd find it under 'plumbers'. Besides, we have the Mario Brothers for that."

Link scowled and flipped to the 'B' section. "Bakeries…balloons, ballrooms... Banks… Who knew Nintendo Land had five pages worth of banks? Bars…"

Young Link played with a slinkie that was, miraculously, not tangled and was, in fact, in perfect condition. That could have been because the box it was in was never opened, but Young Link ignored that minor detail and played to his heart's content.

"Don't most bachelor parties begin at a bar and end up somewhere…unsavoury?"

Link's head snapped up from his scoping the 'bars' section of the phone book. "'Unsavoury'? Have you been reading Ness's dictionary again?"

Young Link glared at him. "You know. You'll all be really wasted and you'll end up at…a Hooters or something."

"Hooters is a family restaurant."

"You're missing the point!"

Link went back to the Holy Phone Book according to bluebook.

"Besides, what would we need to go to a bar for? None of us are old enough and we have the mini-bar in the rec room."

Link looked frustrated. "Young Link, last I checked, you weren't planning this affair."

"And last I checked, you enlisted _me _to_help you_. And I'm helping you by telling you we _have a bar_."

Link flipped through a few more pages before being bombarded with so many colours, he became dizzy. "Oh my Goddesses!"

Young Link rolled his eyes as he saw what Link was looking at, proving once more the Hero of Time and Resident Ganondorf Slayer had a limited attention span. Or he was easily distracted.

"What, Older Me?"

Link showed a rather elaborate and very colourful advert. "We can get an über bathroom!"

"Link, our bathroom's the size of a shoebox. None of that stuff would _fit_."

Just as Link was about to protest, Ike walked into the room, sporting a pair of sweats and a muscle shirt. He had obviously just returned from practice.

"So how goes the preparations?" he asked as he leaned against the doorway, casual as all hell.

"Wonderful!" Link said, just as Young Link said, "Terrible."

"Hey!" Link said, realising what Young Link muttered before.

"He's looking at _bathroom remodeling adverts_ instead of things for the party which, by the way, is in less than three hours."

Ike took the phone book away from Link and flipped to the 'E' section.

"You need entertainment at this thing or else it'll be a bore." He scanned a list of entertainers when he turned the page and was confronted by lots of adverts. Adverts with scantily clad women, which were located underneath the 'REGISTER TO VOTE' banner, which may or may not have been a subtle way of saying 'THE CONTENT BELOW IS ONLY FOR PEOPLE OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE'.

Ike grinned widely, freaking both the Hero of Time and the Hero of Twilight out considerably.

Ike had an idea. He picked up Link's cell phone and punched in one of the advertised numbers.

"Hello, Angel Kitten Magic Service? Yeah, I was interested in borrowing Kitten number four hundred seventy two. How much would that cost?"

-x-

"Now are you _sure_ this is gonna work?" Link asked as Ike wheeled in a giant box. Said giant box got a handful of stares from bystanders in The Manse and an all-knowing look from Captain Falcon. He kicked the door closed and left it in the middle of the foyer.

"I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't sure," Ike replied. "Besides, they said you can eat it, too."

Images conjured in Link's head caused his stomach to churn. "Eat what?"

"The cake, stupid."

Link still lacked confidence in Ike's plan. "All right, but if Marth and or Roy kill me, it's all your fault and my soul will haunt you for the rest of your life."

"Relax. Now help me get this thing off the cart so we can wrap it."

-x-

"Wait, Roy, that's—"

Crash. There went the five dollar vase Master Hand bought at a flea market last week and added three more zeroes to the price. Roy touched the doorway—at least he thought it was a doorway—and flailed about some more.

"Whose idea was it to blindfold us?" Roy asked as Ike grabbed his flailing limbs and guided him into the designated party area.

There was a pause then before another crash. Link fell down the stairs trying to guide the equally blind King of Altea down the stairs. Ike sighed and Roy stopped in his tracks.

"That better not have been Marth."

Ike grimaced as he watched Link try to regain his balance. "I can assure you it wasn't Marth."

Ike led Roy over to the floral blue couch tucked away into the corner of the room. Roy nearly fell down when the backs of his legs banged into the front of said couch.

"Sit down," Ike said as Link guided Marth to his marked seat in the recreational room.

"Why?" questioned Roy, who hesitated in sitting for fear of what might lurk underneath the couch cushion. And since Link was in charge of this whole operation, there was a reason to worry a little.

"Because you'll end up sitting anyway when you open your gift," Young Link said from the other room, as he finished putting the final touches on the surprise he, Link, Ike, and Red chipped in on. (Pit wanted nothing to do with this stunt and proved his point by locking himself in his room.)

"You know, I thought a bachelor party was much more…exciting," Red said as he stared at his punch. Pikachu lapped at a bottle of ketchup. So long as the condiment made from tomatoes was there, Pikachu couldn't care less if the party sucked.

"Yeah," Popo said. "Where's the party part?"

"Where's Ness?" Lucas asked from his seat by the aquarium.

"Finishing his 'masterpiece' he calls an English paper," Young Link said.

"What a party pooper," Popo muttered, before sipping at punch that was probably spiked with something.

"All I remember from my first bachelor party was that there was a lot of alcohol," Marth stated. "A little too much."

"There's never too much!" Link said, cracking open a Cold One himself.

"Case in point," Roy retorted.

Young Link wheeled in a package wrapped in a blinding shade of blue paper emblazoned with IT'S A BOY all over it. On top was a note on computer printer paper that said, "Sry we got the rong paypur, Marthy, - Link."

"Okay guys," Link said, sitting on the arm of the couch. "Take off your blindfolds and open your eyes!" He sounded like Niecy Nash from _Clean House_.

As soon as they did and saw the note on top of their present, Marth raised an eyebrow (whether at Link's bad spelling or the wrapping paper, no one was quite sure) and Roy just stared at it.

"Link, we're getting married tomorrow, not giving _birth_."

"If you're gonna blame someone, Roy, blame Ike. He got the wrong wrapping paper because he didn't even _look at it_."

Ike shrugged; it wasn't even that big of a deal. "They had it on clearance at QCA and I had a dollar left over from our present. The 'HAPPY BACHELOR PARTY!' paper was ten dollars for like, half a roll."

"Just open it already," Young Link said. "This party sucks anyway; we don't need you bringing the mood down further."

Roy decided he would be the brave one and undid the garish red ribbon; he combined his efforts with Marth's to unwrap the whole thing. It was a box that said on the side "UNASSUMING CAKE BOX"; Marth and Roy looked at each other.

"Oh Gods, you wrapped Snake up in his box."

"Close," Link said. "It's _better_ than Snake." Little did Link realize that anything was better than Snake popping out of a box.

"Samus?" Popo asked, his voice hopeful.

"No cigar for you."

"He's not even old enough to smoke yet," Red said, not getting the joke.

Marth cautiously opened a small portion of the lid so he could peer in. Upon seeing the contents, he flushed a shade darker than his fiancé's hair, and pushed the lid down again.

"What is it?" Roy asked. Marth felt all eyes on him; he wanted to run away as fast as possible, which wouldn't be that difficult for him. Ike used Link's shoulder as an arm rest as they both tried not to crack up.

"It's… …Go see for yourself."

Roy, being more adventurous than Marth, opened the box all the way and nearly had a heart attack.

"There's a woman in this box!" ("What were you expecting, Roy? A man?" Ike muttered in response.)

"And she has like no clothes on!" Popo cried, unsure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

"She's wearing a thong!" Lucas said, covering his eyes. Back in his homeland, people who wore thongs were not to be trusted.

"She's covered in cake frosting!" Red shouted, spilling his punch all over his freshly laundered pants.

"Well now we know who likes girls in this place," Young Link muttered, and Link snorted.

"Why is there a random woman with very little clothing on and covered in cake frosting in this box?" Roy asked as Marth shielded himself using the box's lid. Marth was taught he wasn't supposed to see any woman who wasn't his wife naked, or almost naked. Roy used his arm as a shield instead.

"She's not a random woman, she's an _escort_," Link said. "And she'll do whatever you want for the next two hours since that's all we could afford."

The escort, whose name was Jezebella, finally came out of the box and looked around. She brushed bits of cake off herself, which Pikachu abandoned his ketchup for. He liked cake, especially chocolate.

"Why do they look afraid?" she asked, gesturing to everyone except Ike, Link, and Young Link.

"It's okay, they've never seen a scantily clad woman before," Ike said. His experience as a mercenary came in handy at times like these.

"I mean at least her important places are covered," Link said. "She's not like the Great Fairies in Hyrule." The Great Fairies scarred Link for life to the point where water fountains even freaked him out.

Marth excused himself, using the box lid to avoid looking at anyone or anything, including the broken five dollar vase Roy knocked over. Roy, who was used to scantily dressed women (and at times men), wasn't as embarrassed, just surprised. And not in a good way.

"At least she didn't pop out of a cake," he said. "I think you'd ruin dessert for Marth for the next three decades."

"Well, she kinda _did_," Popo said, pointing out the cake in the box, the frosting on Jezebella's bosoms, and the bits of cake on the floor Pikachu was currently eating. Roy ignored him.

"What a prude," Red said, who wasn't bothered in the least by Jezebella's presence.

"I'm not a prude!" Marth shouted from the kitchen. He used the box lid like a Frisbee and beamed Red upside the head with it. Or he tried to at least. He ended up smacking poor Lucas instead, who took that moment to run out of the room. Cake covered women in his homeland were usually aliens in disguise.

"I was just brought up with morals regarding women!"

Jezebella sat down on Young Link's lap and toyed with his hair. Link's jaw clenched.

"He's fifteen; he's too young for you!"

Jezebella purred. "I like my men young."

Young Link smirked and made a thumbs up sign, which only infuriated Link further.

"Hello? Link? Studly Crimean Mercenary™ right here." He sidled up to the Hero of Time, who was busy trying to kill his younger self with his (non-existent) mind powers.

"I have a big sword! She's named Ragnell and I can impale people with just one thrust—"

"That's lovely, Ike, but I _really_ don't need to know about your big sword," Roy said, standing. "I'm gonna go and find Marth and hope he isn't dying."

Roy left the recreational room and headed towards the kitchen; Lucas found his way to the infirmary; Red took Pikachu and Popo and headed outside to stargaze; and Link tried really hard to not kill his younger half.

"Link, are you jealous of the fact that your past self—or whatever he is to you—is about to score with a girl and you never did?"

Link slowly turned to face Ike, expression confused.

"What are you talking about? Zelda and I—"

It was then that Link came to a sudden realization.

"What?" Ike asked, wanting to know what Link's epiphany was about.

Link's face went from confused to horrified.

"Oh sweet Farore, Zelda's kid isn't Ganondorf's!"

Young Link took that as his cue to leave (with Jezebella) and go back to his room. Link was on the verge of tears as Ike tried to console him in his Study Crimean Arms™.

"I'm too young to be a father!"

Zelda poked her head into the recreational room, now flour free. "Is my soap opera on?"

Link started crying. "Oh Goddesses, I've completely screwed up my life!"

"No," Ike answered. "It's just Link."

"What's his problem now?"

"I've no chance for college now—or rather, I have to actually _go_ now—and I have to get a real job and—" Link was barely coherent by this point.

Zelda looked to Ike for an explanation.

"He found out that your kid isn't Ganondorf's, but his."

Zelda shrugged. "I knew that already—why is he freaking out over it?"

"Because he _didn't_."

They both stared at Link, who was now a sobbing wreck.

"I'm a homewrecker!" he said in between sobs. "And not only that, but I'm a slut!"

"Shush, Link, you're not a slut," Ike said, smoothing Link's hair, as he led him to the couch proper. There they sat, Ike's arms tight around Link's shoulders. Zelda sat on Link's other side, hand on his.

"That's what you think! Not only did I do it with Zelda and you, but there was this one time at band camp..."

Ike made shushing noises now as Link burst into renewed sobs.

"I was also the reason why Marth and Roy broke up the first time! I'm a homewrecking slut!"

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, which was still coated in flour and frosting, Marth and Roy were checking on the wedding cake's status when they heard Link's confession.

"Is Link drunk again?" Roy asked as he went to lick frosting from the cake. Peach batted his hand away.

"After this disaster of a bachelor party?" Marth said. "I wouldn't be surprised."

Roy drew circles in Marth's arm with his fingertip as he leaned back against the counter. "Well, there _is_ one way to make it better…"

"That would be what?"

Roy grinned, his eyes half-lidded as he moved inches from Marth's face. "Oh, you know…"

They kissed briefly, Roy's arms finding themselves around Marth's neck as Marth's arms wound around Roy's waist. They obviously forgot Peach was still in the room, too lost in frosting the cake to really notice anything taking place anyway. She hummed a little tune to herself and considered turning the radio on, but decided it would be too distracting.

"See, I have this paper for my AP English class and it's due the day after our wedding and… You know, since we're gonna be busy on our wedding night, I should do it tonight, but I have this problem…"

Marth almost dropped Roy to the kitchen floor.

"I was wondering if you could help me write it since it's like, my entire English grade."

Of all the things Roy could have said, this was not one of the ones Marth was expecting to hear. Roy pressed one sugar-coated finger to Marth's lips before he could protest.

"If you help me out, I'll let you be on top tonight." Roy kissed Marth again, making sure the sugar was off. He licked his lips just to make sure.

Marth sighed. "Fine. Just this once, though." Another kiss, this one deeper than the previous ones. Marth almost sent Roy back onto the kitchen table, the only clean spot in the entire kitchen.

"As much as I'd love to have sex on the kitchen table, Marth, we've got Peach in here still."

Marth backed off and hoped Peach hadn't seen anything.

They walked out of the kitchen hand in hand and went up the stairs to the boys' dormitories, ignoring a still sobbing Link and Ike trying to calm him down, Zelda looking beside herself all the while.

Roy decided once they were secure in their room that his English paper could wait.


	6. Chapter 6

**Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys**

**Year Four – The Final Year**

**-Six-**

It was gently snowing out, big fluffy snowflakes sticking to anything and everything, including the carpeting in the main hallway, where snow had been dragged in from people coming into The Manse. For once, The Manse was still, like the house in _The Night Before Christmas_, where nobody stirred, not even a mouse. Except Pikachu, who snored and kicked in his sleep.

In the best man's room, Link rolled over onto his side and examined the alarm clock between his and Young Link's beds. He had to reach for it because he couldn't see it—it was on the floor since they lacked a table—and groaned when he saw it was only four in the morning. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling and realized something, aside from the fact that there was a mysterious stain on one of the ceiling tiles.

He wasn't alone.

At first, one would have said, Well no duh, Young Link is in the room with him. But Link wasn't talking about his roommate.

There was someone on his bed. And though their room was small, they still had room enough for two twin beds, which were currently occupied by Young Link and himself. That and Young Link would rather sleep on the floor than share a bed with his older self.

Grabbing the Master Sword, which he always hid under his mattress in the event The Manse ever got robbed, he sat up and quickly pulled the sheets back. He pulled the sword loose from the sheath, which clattered noisily to the floor and examined what lay on the bed. On his bed was a man with spiky blue hair, shirtless and wearing plain white boxer shorts. Link sighed, disappointed, yet relieved. He was hoping he could use his sword for Great Justice and impress someone (namely Zelda) with his skills. Oh well, maybe tomorrow.

It was only Ike, no need to worry. (He almost thought it was Marth, but what reason would Marth have to be sleeping with him anyway? Unless, of course, the Altean was drunk and somehow got him and Roy confused.)

And then, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness of his room, he realized the escort from last night was still sleeping on Young Link's bed, both of their clothes on the floor.

The Manse went from pitch dark to bright with fluorescent lights when they heard Link yelling obscenities in Hylian. He had woken up everyone except for the heaviest sleepers, who just happened to be in Link's room, number 16-B. The escorts in Nintendo Land couldn't see in the dark, which made it easier to sneak up on them.

Ike simply rolled over, hogged all the blankets, and ignored the calamity going on three feet away from him. Young Link awoke only because Link started yelling, "You stole Young Link's virginity!" over and over. Jezebella ran out of the room, clothes in hand and Young Link's sheet wrapped around herself. She tripped over the runner in the hallway and fell right through Captain Falcon's door.

"Is it morning all ready?" he asked groggily, sitting up in bed, hair this way and that. Jezebella stood up, looked at Captain Falcon, and shrieked something about the weirdos living in this place before bolting once more.

Young Link, uncovered now, shielded himself with his pillow and said, "Shut up, Link! She didn't steal anything, except my sheets. I lost my virginity to _Saria_."

Link didn't know what to say to that. Neither did Ike, who was finally awake. Young Link flushed when he realized he and his older self weren't alone.

"Oh it's nothing I haven't seen before," Ike said, gesturing to Link with a jerk of his head. It was Link's turn to blush.

"How'd you manage that without Mido knowing?" Link asked, ignoring what Ike had said.

Young Link shrugged. "I tied him to the fence by the Hidden Vale so he could not only hear us and do nothing about it, but also so he'd be tortured by that kid who always humped that rock. Then I went on my adventure, was stuck in the Temple of Time for seven years, and you know the rest."

Link sheathed his sword and stuck it back under his mattress next to his _Swords, Swords, Swords!_ magazine collection. Ike stifled a yawn and realized there were no blinds on the windows.

_Well that's not normal. What are they, exhibitionalists?_ And then Ike remembered that Young Link was covering himself with a pillow and knew that couldn't be the case.

"I just hope that Saria didn't just _look_ like a prepubescent girl because otherwise that would, uh, suck."

Ike snorted. "You were eight. Eight year olds can't ejaculate."

Link, who was mentally an eight year old at the worst times possible sometimes, guffawed at the word 'ejaculate'. Young Link and Ike simultaneously rolled their eyes.

And then Link made another realization.

"That means that I lost my virginity to Saria too!"

Young Link's palm met his forehead and Ike rolled his eyes once more.

"Where the heck have I been all this time to not know these things?"

"Well," Young Link said as he grabbed Link's hat to use as a cover now, "we're technically the same person and technically _not_ the same person. So I ended up different and—"

"But you still started out as one cohesive unit," Ike said, adding in his two cents.

"I'm so confused!" Link cried.

No worries, Link, you weren't the only one confused. People are still trying to figure out the timeline for _Zelda_ after all.

"Well, the whole traveling through time could have scrambled your memories a little bit," Ike reasoned. "You're the one who did all the 'going to the future' stuff; Young Link's always been…Young Link."

"But why would I even go after Saria?" Link turned to Young Link, wanting answers. "Saria was like a mother to me and Mido was like the annoying uncle who comes every Creation Holiday, eats all your food, and burps in your face."

Young Link crossed his arms. "Goddesses, Link, you honestly have no friggin clue sometimes. This wasn't the first girl I was with and Saria wasn't the last."

The heat came on, clanking away in the pipes as they warmed up to a temperature that wasn't in the negatives, masking what Link said next. Young Link's mouth fell open and Ike looked alarmed.

-x-

Ah, sunrise. For those who were able to witness it, it was a thing of beauty. The sky was streaked all sorts of colours that slowly faded into the blue of the morning sky. It wasn't snowing now, but there was that coldness in the air that suggested it wouldn't be too long before more fell. In the distance was the sound of a snow plow clearing the streets (and probably doing a shoddy job of it, for this was Nintendo Land after all). People were turning off their Christmas lights, saving them for later at night, when people would actually notice they were on. Someone's car alarm went off, probably hit with a stray snowball or five.

"Secret Santa?" Samus read on the bulletin board while tying her hair back. "There's a wedding today––when are we supposed to have time to go get gifts when we have to prepare for that?"

Peach came down the stairs, Zelda trailing behind her.

"When you have a spare moment, check your mailbox. You have your Secret Santa in there. And when you're not busy, you go out to the Mall and buy something. It's not that hard."

Samus, who was not good at micromanaging her activities, scoffed and headed towards the dining room.

"Whatever you say, Peach."

"Oh, and Samus?" Peach reached the bottom of the stairs and seemed to glide across the floor towards the bounty hunter. Samus stopped in her tracks.

"Would you mind helping Donkey Kong, Mario, and Luigi rearrange the furniture in the dining room for the reception? Douglas has something else to do and there's no one I can really ask who is…strong enough."

Samus sighed. "Why not?"

Peach bowed slightly. "Thank you, Samus!"

The early hours of the morning were spent cleaning the place from top to bottom, starting with the kitchen. Peach, dressed in a pink t-shirt and Luigi's overalls (Mario's didn't fit), was armed with a huge bucket, a sponge used to wash a car, and lots of sudsy soap. Her hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, and of course she still wore her crown. (Peach not wearing her crown was like Marth not wearing his diadem.) She was prepared to fight the good fight. Zelda was dressed similarly, with her hair pulled into a messy bun. They entered the kitchen and saw the remains of their labours from the previous night.

It was a warzone of epic proportions. Unidentified substances were caked onto the countertops and every available surface. Leftover strawberries were stuck to the bowls via some sort of dried cream. One bowl looked like it had been licked clean except for some stains neither of the princesses were sure they wanted identified. The television was covered in flour and cookie dough, the screen entirely obscured. Flour was still all over the floor, littered with footprints and melting snow.

Both princesses groaned. This would take at least two hours. That was why it was a good thing Link woke them all up in a way.

In the dining room, Samus, Donkey Kong, Falcon, and Mario and Luigi were rearranging the tables and buffet counters (which connected to make a table) to match the design Peach came up with two nights ago because she was bored. In reality, Samus and Donkey Kong did all of the work when it came to lifting things, so Mario and Luigi were delegated to moving the chairs around.

"Step on my foot again, Kong, and they'll be serving you as the main course!" Samus threatened with a glare. The giant tie-wearing ape grunted something that could have meant 'sorry'. Mario and Luigi looked at each other and snuck out as quick as they could.

"Where the hell are _you_ two going?"

Well, they tried to. Samus stood towering over them, her six-feet-three-inch frame making their four-eleven and five-two frames look like ants in comparison.

"Mama-mia!" shouted Luigi, who decided to make a break for it. Samus watched him go and turned her gaze to the older of the Mario Brothers. Mario was beginning to think her gaze might burn holes into his forehead.

"Well?"

"I think I heard Peachie calling for me!" Mario said, blurting out the first thing that came to mind. "…And I…I can't ignore a call from her!" He leaned close to Samus, talking to her knees instead. "Especially if that stubborn kitchen sink is clogged."

Outside, Fox, Falco, Young Link, and Link were given the job of creating a path out in the yard so no one would get stuck in the snow and die, or so Master Hand said. He liked to exaggerate things on a grandiose scale. They were done in five seconds due to Fox and Falco both doing their 'Fire Fox' and 'Fire Bird' moves. Link leaned against his shovel and Young Link threw his over his shoulder, embedding it into the tree, cutting 'LINK HEARTS ZELDA' in two.

"What was the point of getting us out here?" Young Link asked, crossing his arms behind his head.

"So it looked like we were doing something," Link answered.

In reality, it was so Link was out of the way.

"Link! Young Link!"

Instinctively, the two Links turned their heads and saw Zelda's head poking out of the opened window. There was a streak of soap suds on her cheek.

"Yes, Princess?" Link said, using Zelda's title out of habit. Young Link answered more informally.

"Could you both come in here please? Peach and I need help with the kitchen; it's too much for just two people."

Young Link saluted; Link answered, "Sure, we'll be right in."

They took the five minute trek back to The Manse, going through the front door since it was closer than the back. After hanging up their jackets and stowing away their mittens, they went to the kitchen. Both of them stopped dead in their tracks upon encountering the doorway.

"Holy shi––"

Link clamped a hand over Young Link's mouth before he could finish.

"You weren't kidding," Link said.

Peach handed them each a pair of gloves, sponges, and buckets.

"Start cleaning, we don't have all day! If Marth gets flour on his boots, he'll have a fit!"

Young Link and Link looked at each other, each with the same thought.

_Since when was Marth that anal retentive?_

So where were the lovely grooms anyway? Were they getting prepared to say 'I Do'? Ready to jump out the window from nerves? Doing the Horizontal Tango? Was Roy sighing exasperatedly at Marth cleaning everything in sight? No, they weren't doing any of those things. Roy was asleep at his computer desk, fingers resting on top of the keys, slumped over in his chair. Marth was asleep on his bed cuddling his stuffed pink elephant. Why were they still sleeping?

They had taken it upon themselves to get drunk and screw around before the wedding, like any good about-to-be-married couple.

-x-

The door to Marth and Roy's room slammed against the already dented wall adjacent, and standing in the doorway was a rather dirty looking Link, Zelda and Peach behind him.

"Are you sure it's okay to just…barge in like this?" Zelda questioned. "What if they're…indecent?" She was certain there were laws about that in Hyrule. Link waved her concern away and walked into the room like it was his. The two princesses stayed in the doorway.

"They let me come in whenever I want," Link said, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw the empty bottle of wine on the floor next to the bed. On top of that, Roy was asleep at his computer desk and Marth was sleeping with a stuffed animal.

"Sheesh, what the heck are you, Marth, five?" He checked each of their pulses to make sure they weren't dead; as luck would have it, they were perfectly fine, just knocked out.

"They're fully clothed––at least Roy is––and Marth has sheets covering him anyway." He saw them still standing in the doorway. "Well, come on, you wanted to dress them for their big day. Have at 'em."

Zelda came into the room first and immediately located their closet.

"Let's see if they have anything prepared…"

The closet door opened and inside were school uniforms, hoodies, jackets, and pants. Nothing remotely formal.

"This is worse than I thought."

Link was already by the bed. "Should I poke him awake? Maybe he's hiding all his formal wear because we got him to stop wearing it all the time."

Zelda, who didn't want to disturb the sleeping prince, decided against that idea.

"I'm sure I can find a wardrobe or something."

Sure enough, Zelda came upon a chest of drawers by the door to the bathroom and cautiously opened the first drawer: oh great, underwear. Zelda quickly shut that drawer and opened the next one: t-shirts.

At the rate they were going, this was going to take all day.

"Marthy… Where do you keep all your princely garb?" Link said right in Marth's ear. Marth said something unintelligible.

"You know, it's times like these I wish I paid more attention in Altean class," Link lamented as Zelda searched a few more drawers. "Roy's the only one who can understand Marth and his strangely alluring language."

Zelda pulled out something stuck all the way at the back of the bottom (and biggest) drawer.

"This looks like the undershirt for his tunic," Zelda said. "I think I just struck gold."

Link's face turned angry. "And all this time I thought you hid your money underneath your mattress!"

Peach and Zelda gave Link equally weirded out looks.

"What? They say royals keep their money under their mattresses."

"She meant that we––"

Zelda shook her head at Peach. There was no point in explaining an idiom to Link.

Zelda kept with her search and eventually found Marth's tunic, pants, belt for his tunic, and gauntlets.

"I wonder why he keeps these hidden in the back…"

Peach shrugged, coming into the room finally. "Who cares? Let's get Marth up so we can dress him."

Zelda looked cluelessly at Marth.

"Does anyone know how to wake him up?"

Link cracked his knuckles. "Allow the Linkmeister to show you how it's done." He cleared his throat and made a serious face.

"Marth Cornelius Lowell! You get your Falchion-wielding butt up from those covers now or I will use your tiara as a Frisbee for Pikachu!" ("I didn't know Marth's middle name was Cornelius," Zelda whispered to Peach.)

Marth was suddenly wide awake and Falchion was pointed at Link's throat.

"Link, what the hell are you doing in my room?"

Link was too busy trying to not laugh at Marth's choice in sleepwear, which was to say he didn't have any.

"I brought company this time, Marthy. They're gonna help you dress for your day of epicness." Link smirked. "And from the looks of things, they don't have to help you undress."

Marth raised an eyebrow, wanting to know who the hell Link was talking about. He heard a girl cough and turned to find Zelda and Peach holding his formal clothes in front of their faces.

Marth never felt so embarrassed in his life. He used Link's hat as a means to cover himself.

"Why is everyone using my hat to cover their privates today? Sheesh, use a sheet!"

Link then remembered Falchion was still pointed at his throat and decided to not anger Marth too much. Marth may have been a beautiful man, but he was also very, very deadly.

-x-

"Zelda, that is _not_ how you fasten a man's pants."

Zelda crossed her arms at Peach's disapproving tone.

"I know how to tie pants, Peach. There's nothing wrong with them."

"Unless you want Marth flashing half of the neighbourhood, you shouldn't just rely on magic to keep them up."

Marth felt like banging his head against a wall.

"I have two hands that are perfectly capable of fastening my own pants, thank you very much."

Zelda shook her head. "You are a king and we are princesses. There is proper protocol that needs––"

"Forget the protocol, Zelda, _I can fasten my own pants_!"

In Link's room, Link and Ike were helping Roy fasten his armour.

"When was the last time either of you put armour on?" Roy asked after he corrected them both for the fiftieth time.

"Well metal armour is different from cheap leather armour," Ike reasoned. "It fastens differently too."

"Never," Link answered. "I don't need armour to be a badass."

Both Roy and Ike looked at Link when he made that comment. Link fiddled with another clasp.

"Well I don't."

"I don't understand why Zelda's insisting I wear armour anyway," Roy said, pretending the previous conversation did not just happen. "I'm not going off to fight or anything."

"Maybe it's in case some drunken bastard decides to crash your wedding you won't get hurt?" Ike hypothesized. "Or you can fight said drunken bastard without getting stabbed in the heart and dying?"

Ike looked through the window to gaze at the sun for the time and was blinded by its reflection off the neighbour's window.

Link threw his hands up in defeat. "Ike, you figure this out. I'm tired."

Ike watched Link walk out of the room before staring back at the task at hand.

"Wait a minute… Link, you bastard! You're not leaving me to figure this out by myself!"

"I have better things to concern myself with," Link said, his voice coming from the direction of Roy and Marth's room.

"And what would those be?"

"I have nothing to wear, and Zelda and Peach are arguing over how to dress Marth and _someone_ has to make sure he doesn't kill them both."

Roy and Ike stared at each other.

"Why are they dressing him anyway?" Roy asked. "He's perfectly capable of doing it himself."

Ike clapped Roy on the back. "Roy, have you taken a good look around here? You live with _weirdoes_."

Roy scoffed. "If I live with weirdoes, who the hell do _you_ live with?"

Ike did not answer him.

-x-

The halls were decked in silver and blue streamers with matching balloons. Since Ike hadn't bought said balloons, they were plain with no patterns or anything like 'IT'S A BOY' emblazoned on it. Instead Peach had used permanent marker to write 'CONGRATS MARTH AND ROY' on them instead.

Roy sighed as he waited in the kitchen, which was also decked out with silver and blue. This was it, the moment of truth. His heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest and into his throat and his stomach was doing somersaults and aerials. Beyond this door and down the runner covered in fresh-fallen snow was a gazebo housing Marth and the rent-a-clergyman they picked the day before. Metal folding chairs bordered the runner, the backs of the 'important' people covered with Altean lilies wrapped with blue and silver ribbons. Nana beamed at her handiwork.

"Don't worry about a thing," Ike said before everyone took their places.

"Ike! Your headband…" Peach said as she passed on through. "You too, Link. Get rid of the bandanna."

Ike slipped off his headband and Link did as he was told. Ike used his as a makeshift tie; Link shoved his in his pocket.

"We've got everything set," Ike continued. "Just give us the signal when you're ready."

"And don't worry about this one," Young Link said as he gestured to his older self. "We've got him on a very short leash."

Roy smiled, but it had no effect on the nervousness he felt.

"Psst, Roy," whispered someone through a crack in the door, "are you ready?" The laurel wreath adorning the person's head gave him away as Pit.

Roy nodded. It was now or never, and he didn't like the sound of never very much. Ike opened the door and made sure Roy was still hidden from view. Beethoven's _Ode to Joy_ was still playing softly as Link searched for the appropriate CD.

"If you fuck this up," Ike whispered to Link, "Marth will have your balls on a platter."

"I know, I know," Link answered, triple-checking the track listing. "If you keep talking, I'm gonna press the wrong button, and then Marth will have _your_ balls on a platter."

"If you both screw this up," Young Link butted in, "Marth will have your heads mounted over his fireplace and will talk of the hunt with his buddies while sipping Earl Grey tea."

Young Link was such a lovely ray of sunshine sometimes.

Link pressed a button and the music Roy demanded Link play instead of Enya filtered through the speakers of the small, yet powerful, boombox stereo on a table next to him. Everyone seated turned around, hoping to catch a glimpse of the blushing groom (and Roy wasn't actually blushing, his cheeks were red from the sudden onslaught of wind). Marth heard the violins in the instrumental version of _Meadows of Heaven_ play and turned his attention to the back door of The Manse.

Roy found himself unable to move, which was not a good sign.

"Go, Roy," Ike said, nudging him in the side. "It's your cue."

But Roy couldn't make his legs move.

"I think I'm stuck," Roy said, cape blowing dramatically in the wind. Link blew past Ike and Roy into the kitchen, earning a confused look from his boyfriend and he gave no explanation. There wasn't enough time to explain anyway.

"Oh gods, he's getting cold feet," Young Link said to no one in particular. The audience began whispering and Marth was getting concerned.

Link came out of the kitchen with a bucket of hot water and splashed it on Roy's boots, which had literally frozen to the snow covered ground. Ike gave Roy a push and Roy nearly slid down the aisle. He was able to regain his balance before anyone noticed and walked the hundred or so yards to the gazebo, where Marth was getting just a tad impatient at having to wait.

Ike caught the subtlest of movements from Roy and he spoke quietly into a radio. The interesting looking rose bush ambled its way over to the doors of the gazebo and with the flick of a lever they closed, blocking the couple from anyone's view.

"What the hell, Roy?" Marth whispered. "Why did the doors close?"

Roy took Marth's hand in his and smiled. "Because you said you always wanted a more intimate wedding, so I'm making your wish come true."

Both of them turned towards the rent-a-clergyman, who said a few words before asking for the rings to be exchanged. Roy thanked Elimine for that fact that royal weddings lasted all of fifteen minutes, most of that taken up by the priest talking.

Roy searched his pockets for Marth's ring and found it before panic set in. He couldn't get his hands to stop shaking as he gently pushed the platinum band onto Marth's finger. Marth had no problems finding the ring and his hands didn't shake, but he missed Roy's finger twice before the ring found its way onto its rightful digit.

The priest said a few things more about how love was sacred and true love was unbreakable––Roy wasn't really paying attention.

"Your Majesty, you may kiss His Grace."

They both inwardly cringed at their titles and Marth pulled Roy in for the most passionate kiss either of them had ever experienced. Just then it started to snow, or at least they thought it did—Ike and Link were busy throwing shovelfuls of snow over the gazebo to give a more romantic atmosphere.

Young Link said something into Ike's radio and the sentient rose shrub opened the doors so everyone could see the beautiful ending. Peach dabbed at her eyes with the corner of Mario's handkerchief so as to not smudge her make-up; Zelda cried into a tissue and instead of kissing her husband, she kissed Young Link, who had sat down next to her after Roy had processed down the aisle; and Ike nearly made Link pass out when he asked him a simple question after almost pelting him with snow.

"Hey, Link, wanna get hitched?"

The shovel fell from Link's hands and he nearly cried. Instead his eyes got all watery and he looked radiant.

"Do you mean it, Ike?"

Ike pulled Link close and pulled out a ring. Link could not believe this was real.

"I do," Ike whispered, a smile on his face. Link squealed and Ike slid the ring on before he spun the Hero of Time around and kissed him with everything he had.

"Get a room!" Young Link shouted at Marth and Roy before his mouth was occupied by Zelda's once more. Roy responded by closing the doors of the gazebo, which was a good thing because shortly thereafter Marth pushed him against one of the walls, leaving Roy flushed and breathless and most importantly of all, _his_.


	7. Chapter 7

**Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys**

**Year Four – The Final Year**

**-Seven-**

It was that time of year again, the year when many a high school student would discover all the wonderful benefits of chugging cup after cup of coffee during all those long, arduous study sessions. Many had already needed new laptops due to coffee spills and strange stains that looked like half-and-half mixed with some sort of sugar substitute, but no one was certain.

Well, the ones who decided to put forth that much effort into it, which wasn't really a lot of students. Most spilled coffee on their laptops due to carelessness, procrastination on essays, or doing spit takes when one of their friends would send them some crazy Japanese pornographic anime. But if no one told you this, you would think they were all the studious type since this was a prestigious academy and Tabuu had high expectations. The teachers and parents, however, knew better. This caused students like Link, who were smart but refused to put forth much effort, much grief when it came to exam review sheets in the beginning of January.

The gym locker room was rather noisy, as it always was. Clothes lined the benches ranging from sweatpants and matching sweatshirts to shorts that looked more like underwear (and probably were). Blazers were draped over the locker doors and ties were used to hold various things together, or to make sure their IDs weren't lost amidst their clothes and other personal belongings. Some didn't even have ties, feeling that without them, they were being 'rebellious'. The students at Melee Academy were not known for their 'rebellious' streak, mostly because a lot of them didn't really know how to _be_ rebellious in the first place.

A lot of the students, upon receiving the review packet for their PE class, either threw them in the garbage or they shoved them deep into the recesses of their bookbags, never to be seen again for about a year or so, when they would be cleaning their bookbag of old mementos from high school; or they simply left them in the lockers, never to be seen again by them, leaving the teachers a mess to clean up when the time came. The teachers wouldn't see them again, either, for they would just get the janitor to clean them. Roy took his and placed it in his bag for examination later. Now was not the time to focus on studying when he had other school related things on his mind, like where his second period homework went. Link, on the other hand, acted like the paper was going to kill what was left of his family.

"What the heck did we learn in PE for the review packet to be like, fifty pages thick?" Link asked as Roy removed his things from his gym locker.

"I mean, we mostly did volleyball, and it's all about playing it," Link continued. "They practically gave us the entire rule book as written in _Volleyball for Dummies_." He pointed to the fine print, which actually cited _Volleyball for Dummies_ as its source.

"What a bunch of lazy bastards," Link finished when Roy didn't say anything.

"Fourth Years, make sure to remove everything from your lockers and place the lock on the locker with the door open," the substitute for Falcon said as she fixed her sweats, which were a little on the tight side. And by 'a little on the tight side', the pants were practically a second skin. Most of the boys, being completely unobservant since this was, after all, Melee Academy, didn't notice at all.

"Whose idea was it to have a female teacher in the boys' locker room?" Roy asked, shouldering his backpack, his thoughts still elsewhere.

Link gave Roy a look. "Roy, this is Melee Academy we're talking about. Has _anything_ ever made sense here? Like these review packets, for example…"

Roy sighed as Link launched into another diatribe about the injustices of giving a novel for an exam review as the bell rang.

"So what do we do next semester?" Link asked as they gradually made their way into the hall, hoping they didn't do anything.

Roy shrugged. "I think we have Health." He shouldered the door to the stairwell open and shoved his way through the crowd, Link behind him.

"But we've had Health for the past three years! …Except when we had Driver's Ed and Sex Ed, but I guess Sex Ed would technically count… But we didn't even _learn_ anything in Sex Ed since Falcon was surprisingly uncomfortable talking about it."

"It's Mental Health," Roy said, watching the freshman with the obnoxiously big bookbag in front of him one-step all four flights of stairs to the third floor new building. "It's got mental disorders and all that stuff. Should be interesting." He looked to Link then.

"I heard we watch a lot of movies," Roy added in a sing-song.

Link didn't know what to say to that, except, "Wow, do the teachers in this school really suck that much that they can't even teach us anymore? They rely on movies to do that for them?"

Roy shrugged. "They're not even educational movies. I overheard Jup saying that one of the classes watched _Anger Management_."

"The movie with Adam Sandler?"

Roy nodded as Link rolled his eyes, and Roy sighed loudly at the slow walking freshman.

This was going to be a long walk to their next class.

"Wait, why am I even complaining about this?"

"Because you overreact to just about everything and anything," Roy said. "I mean, it's just a review packet."

"No, not the review packet," Link huffed, "I got over that minutes ago! I was talking about the movies thing. I shouldn't be complaining about it because then we don't do work. And not doing work is a good thing."

One of the students behind them threw up his arms, ran in front of the annoyingly slow freshman, and punched him in the face. The poor, defenseless freshman had nowhere to go except, of course, down the stairs. Roy and Link side-stepped him with ease and continued onto their destination at a normal pace that would get them there in the remaining two minutes left before the late bell rang.

No one bothered to ask the freshman boy if he was all right, if he needed help getting up, or if he was bleeding profusely. They ignored his pleas for help, his pulling on their pant legs, and basically pretended he never existed.

"This school fucking sucks," said the boy whose knees were now skinned and whose books were now all over the back stairway. He tried not to cry, but, well, if _you _were hurt and subsequently ignored by your peers after falling backwards down a flight of stairs, you would be pissed off and hurt enough to cry too. The bell rang and he sat there, figuring that his teachers wouldn't know he was missing, either.

Unfortunately for him, Mewtwo noticed everything, and marked an Andre Ramirez out. He was all out of cut slips, so that was at least one good thing going for him.

-x-

As was typical at the beginning of January, students were hard at work in their classrooms, whether it was making it to the next level in a game, trying to win a round of Finger Football, or actually doing work. For whatever reason, Bowser had the windows of the classroom open, though there was a coating of snow on the ground. No one complained about it being freezing in the room, because they knew better than to question Bowser's judgment. So they just sat there shivering and Bowser couldn't care less. There was even a layer of ice along the open windows; Bowser took no notice of this and several students wrote obscene things in the snow lining the window sill.

"So did you hear about Zelda and Ganondorf?" Link asked cheerfully, as if the thought of their marriage burning to the ground was something to be happy about. For Link and just about everyone else in The Manse this was something to be happy about, anyway. Their constant bickering was getting on everyone's nerves except for Marth's and Roy's, and that was only because Marth and Roy didn't spend a lot of time with either Ganondorf or Zelda, so they weren't exposed as much.

Roy was in the middle of looking up the definitions for chapter one for both of their Environmental Issues exam reviews when Link asked the fateful question.

"What, that they're getting divorced? That's been going on since they both said—since _before_ they said, 'I do'."

Link leaned back in his seat. "Well yeah, but the fact that it's going to be final by the end of the month…" He sighed in contentment.

"So what? You still can't have Zelda—you're with Ike and she's interested in your younger self."

Link examined his boyfriend's school ring that was now practically glued to his finger.

"Well since Young Link's with her, that's like me being with her. As you said, he's my younger _self_."

Roy rolled his eyes and flipped through the textbook in search of answers.

"What the hell? These questions don't have answers in the book!" cried the only other student doing work.

Bowser didn't care. He was evil after all. Evil people did not care about the well-being of others or whether the answers were actually there at all.

"You know, it wouldn't kill you to actually do something in this class aside from sit there and look pretty."

Link stared at the wall, hands behind his head. "Roy, we're both Fourth Years. We have six more months to go until we're out of here. Besides, that packet's four pages. You can do 'em easily."

Roy slammed the book closed and placed Link's packet on his desk.

"So can _you_. I have college to consider, I can't be worried about your crap too."

Link looked at his exam review like it was a vat of acid on his desk. Link had been allergic to school work since Freshman year, and allergies didn't just disappear.

"Is married life really that life altering? 'Cause you've changed so much."

"Link, I hate to tell you this, but me getting married has nothing to do with me preparing for college and wanting to do _good_. But I will remind you that getting married is also a life-changing experience and I hope you experience it one day."

Link's voice dropped to a whisper when he said, "Has Marth not been putting out and you're just using college as a convenient excuse?"

Roy looked very affronted by that question. Then he struck.

"It was just a question! You didn't need to hit me with the textbook!"

Roy glared and went back to his own work, writing down diagrams for question eight.

"Okay, so maybe I _did_ deserve it. But what's the matter? You and Marth were so happy at the wedding… …Is he putting out _too_ much?"

Link covered his head once more to protect himself from Roy's textbook.

"You know, this whole 'not communicating' thing is really not healthy." He took a sidelong glance at his companion, head on the desk and arms still covering his head.

"Link, there's nothing wrong with our sex life. Or our married life, for that matter. I'm just stressed from preparing for the stupid SATs, college applications, and _our public lives_."

Link recovered and doodled on his review. "Oh. Your kingdoms or whatever?"

"Yes."

"Then why the heck didn't you just _say that_?"

"Because you're not married to royalty, so I didn't think you'd understand."

Roy was right—Link didn't understand. But that didn't mean Roy couldn't have explained it to him, even if it was a basic rundown.

"I've dated royalty before. I think it's like the same thing," Link reminded him. He took Roy's textbook and opened it to chapter two's vocabulary. Roy looked at him.

"You know damn well that I never bring my book, so I need to borrow yours."

Roy just rolled his eyes and sighed. "I suppose Kokiri Forest didn't teach you about asking for permission to borrow things?"

"Nope, everything was shared by everyone on principle."

_Is Kokiri Forest this uncivilized place in the middle of nowhere or something?_

-x-

Considering it was sixth period lunch, the last lunch period of the day, the cafeteria was quite crowded. It wasn't snowing outside anymore, and most of the snow was gone, melted from the sun that decided now was as good a chance as ever to shine through the clouds. It was, however, quite cold out even with the sun, and for whatever reason, no one listened to the meteorologists when they said, "It will be freezing cold, around twenty five degrees or so, so please bring a heavy coat with you." For some reason, a lot of them distrusted the meteorologists, even though the ones in Nintendo were all clairvoyants and knew for a fact what the weather would be like.

As a result of everyone and their anthromorphic dog being inside for lunch, it was extremely loud. People crowded almost every table; some were even standing next to tables for lack of any place to sit. One small corner of the room had a small food fight going on that very little people seemed to notice. Granted, it _was_ small, but the call to arms from the leader of the enemy squadron went unheard, despite his blowing a large ram's horn to incite some sort of response from his compatriots. Maybe it was because the other guy's team managed to cut off reinforcements and supplies, such as more food and definitely more manpower. Such was the way war often worked.

"I am thoroughly convinced that the lunch lady hates me," Link said as he grabbed a Styrofoam lunch tray from the pile by the entrance to the kitchens.

"What makes you say that?" Roy asked, also taking a tray and a Clinton's iced tea.

"Watch." Link picked up a fork as the line sped forward. It was Pasta Day, one of the slower special days, so the line moved pretty quickly since the other line had hot dogs and other junk. The serving lady took one look at Link and scraped some ravioli onto his tray, half-burnt and dry looking, served with a smile that suggested ulterior motives. Link grimaced as he continued down the line.

Roy, meanwhile, was given normal pasta like everyone else, served with a smile that had no malevolent intent whatsoever. Link poked at his portion and tasted it, wincing after he chewed it.

"It's not even hot!" He tasted part of Roy's before he could protest. "But yours certainly is."

Roy shrugged and went around Link to pay at the register; Link was holding up the works as he searched for an ice cold Dr. Pepper right by the cookies and the sign that said, "Help fight obesity in our schools!" As if having a sign right next to the cookies would deter someone from buying five of them as their lunch in the fight against obesity.

"Eat up, porky," one kid said to Young Link, dropping cookies and pasta onto his plate on top of the two hot dogs and chicken salad already there. He laughed with his Crabbe and Goyle-esque friends as they walked away. Young Link grabbed a boomerang-shaped banana from Ness's plate and hurled it at them, hitting all three of them in the head before it returned. The entire cafeteria went quiet.

"I hope you choke on your three hotdogs each," Young Link retorted as the three goons walked to their table in the corner. Ness zapped them in the rear with his PK Thunder, Lucas set their coleslaw on fire, Popo filled their drinks with lots of ice to water them down, and their friend Alex cowered behind them the entire time.

Revenge was sweeter than the sweet tea Nintendo Land was known for.

"Those were Terry's old brood, weren't they?" Link asked as the cafeteria erupted into applause.

"The people who looked like people from Harry Potter?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, yeah, those three were Philippe, Antoine, and Sorbet. They're triplets."

Link nodded in understanding as they flashed their lunch passes and left the cafeteria. They walked for a bit as Link mulled over the names, trying to figure out what their rank in Terry's fan club to Marth was when he realized something.

Coming to a halt not far from the stairwell door, Link asked, "Wait, what kind of name is 'Sorbet'? Isn't that like fruit ice cream?"

"Yeah, it is. I guess their parents ran out of French names, so they picked something that sounded French."

"In this case a dessert." Link's voice had a hint of amusement. After all, that was like naming your kid 'Chocolate Cake' or something. Then he remembered there was a kid in his third period whose name was Chokoreeto Keiki and wondered if his parents were sadistic or really, really loathed him.

Roy shrugged as they continued walking. "What kind of name is 'Link', anyway?"

Link mumbled as he kicked the door to the stairwell open, "A stupid one." It slammed shut behind them and scared the poor hall monitor sitting two feet away from it.

-x-

"So are the rumours true?" Dean asked as Mewtwo floated in. Once again, Mewtwo's classes were returned to him since the other Japanese teacher decided to teach another language instead, mostly because the Japanese programme was becoming unbearable and only Mewtwo, they decided, could control these children. Mewtwo was getting tired of being shuttled between positions, but nonetheless he complied with Tabuu's directions, ignoring the urge to tell Tabuu exactly where he could take this job position and shove it. He needed this job to pay for his spouse and young child after all, so he had to just grin and bear it.

"What rumours?" Kweenetra countered, not really caring about the gossip one way or another; she was just naturally nosy and curious.

"That we're getting a new head of discipline," said Alex Valdez, getting in on the conversation as he sat on his seat. He leaned in closer to his friends as if conspiring.

"Apparently Wesker got fired for experimenting on the kids, so they transferred him to a job at some school in Austria instead where that sort of thing is acceptable. The replacement is being introduced at an assembly tomorrow morning."

Mewtwo got his things together just as Roy and Link entered the room. They noticed there was a huge sign hanging at the back of the room saying _LATIN CLASS FOREVER_ and a declaration of war at the bottom of it. Things like this no longer phased Mewtwo and so he simply ignored it. It was lavishly decorated anyway, so he could, if he so wanted to, pretend it was wallpaper of some sort.

"They never give up, do they?" Stephen asked as he fixed his pants.

"Didn't you go back to being a girl?" Alex asked, confused by the sudden change in Stephenie's appearance. For one thing, her hair was cropped off and she was, once again, wearing the boys' uniform instead of the girls' uniform Tabuu had to create.

Stephen took his usual seat, trademark pink DS in hand, and propped his feet up on the desk.

"Yeah, but I liked being a boy, so I went back. Besides, everyone kept calling me 'Stephen' anyway." He tapped at the screen a few times. "I might stay like this permanently, so get used to it."

Mewtwo whited out Stephen's name in the roll book and replaced it with _Stephen Kennedy_. He didn't even need to ask what he went by anymore, for he was a psychic Pokémon and, for once, thankful for his abilities.

_Thank Ho-Oh I'm a telepath_.

Mewtwo wrote an assignment on the board and sat at his desk, bored out of his mind. Everyone took out their textbooks (except Stephen, who was too cool for Japanese class apparently) and began their assignments.

"So does anyone know anything about this new head of discipline guy?" Dean asked. He liked to know all about the inner workings of the school, which made sense since he worked after school in the disciplinary office. Despite his job, they didn't tell him anything. Now he knew what it felt like to teach at the school.

Frankie was looking up a word in his kanji dictionary app on his iDS and showing Alex inappropriate words he found instead. Kweenetra half-assed her assignment.

"What's that, Dean?" Alex said, returning to his work when Mewtwo glared at them.

Dean rolled his eyes as he turned in his seat. No one ever heard him the first time, but that was because most people didn't give a damn about what he had to say.

"Do you know anything about this new head of discipline guy?"

"Ask Stephen, his dad works security here."

Stephen looked up when he heard his name mentioned. Despite the abrupt gender change, everyone adapted extremely fast to the situation. Then again, most of these people were the ones who called him 'Stephen' instead of 'Stephenie' anyway.

"Whaddya wanna know?"

"Everything," Dean said, overeager as always. Stephen rolled his eyes.

"Well, he's very, uh, professional."

Dean stared blankly at Stephen, who sighed. Did he have to explain everything to him?

"He looks very corporate, wears glasses, that sort of thing. He's kind of intimidating too, according to Nicholas. He looks more professional than Tabuu ever did, and he's as intimidating as Master Hand according to his mom. He's got this…air about him. I don't know. That's all I've heard."

"You mean you've never met the guy before?" Alex asked. "Even though your dad works security?"

"What, you think my dad being a campus cop grants me an automatic ticket in to the secrets of the school? Get out of here."

Dean's curiosity was still not sated, however.

"Oh, and I wouldn't want to ever end up in his office," Stephen added, finishing a level in his game. He said it rather nonchalantly as well.

This caught the attention of everyone except Mewtwo, who couldn't care less.

"Why not?" Dean asked.

"Well you don't really want to end up in the VP's office _anyway_," Alex said, "no matter who's in charge."

"But _especially_ this one," Stephen said, voice ominous, "since he's a former bodyguard for various big politicians and the like. He was really good at it, according to Snake. I'd be careful around him if I were you."

Link managed to get his assignment done before the end of the period, a minute before Roy finished his in fact, which was probably a record—for Link, anyway. They packed up their things and, since they were right by the door, were the first ones to leave.

"I wonder who this guy is, then," Link said. "He sounds a little scary."

"I don't know, we'll just have to wait until tomorrow."

Link was wondering if Marth or Zelda might know more information. He was hoping for a lot since Tabuu didn't ever tell anyone anything important. Hell, no one even knew this guy's name, and wasn't that basic information for someone to know?

"Do you think Tabuu's up to something bad?" Link asked at last as they shoved their way through the hallways.

"To be honest, I don't even know anything about Tabuu except that he was a friend of Crazy Hand's and was apart of this organization somewhere in Europe. And that he looks up to Master Hand."

Link quirked an eyebrow at Roy's statement. "Where'd you learn all that from?"

Roy deadpanned. "Internet."

"Oh," Link said, as if suddenly understanding. "I see. Google has everything now a days, doesn't it?"

"Link, Google isn't the internet."

Link shrugged. "Close enough. One day it _will_ be."

Link had a bad feeling about this new disciplinary as he and Roy made their way to Band class. Something was not right; he just didn't know exactly _what_. But it wasn't a good feeling, whatever it was.

"I think I know what I think about this guy," Link said as they rapidly approached room 326N.

"And what's that?" Roy opened the door and waited for Link to hurry up.

Link had a serious look on his face for once. It wasn't that Link wasn't a serious person, it was just that he chose not to be because he thought being serious all the time was boring.

"Something about this new guy strikes me as suspicious."

They shared a silence together that actually spoke volumes. Both of them understood.

This guy was bad news and they were going to find out just what Tabuu's motives were.


End file.
